


Change, Hope and Love

by Zannabella



Category: Stardew Valley (Video Game)
Genre: F/M, Friends to Lovers, Oral Sex, References to Depression/Anxiety, Romance, Self-Hatred, Sex, Smut, Vaginal Sex, bit of angst, implied suicidal thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-28
Updated: 2020-05-30
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:08:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 41,374
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24427015
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zannabella/pseuds/Zannabella
Summary: A new farmer moves in and is determined to befriend the only man in town who isn't polite to her out of sheer spite. What comes next is inevitable. Run through of the female oc/Shane plot, with a few additions and changes.
Relationships: Shane/Female Player (Stardew Valley), Shane/Player (Stardew Valley)
Comments: 5
Kudos: 115





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> My first fic, please be gentle :P
> 
> I've changed a few things around, but most of this is true to the plot in the game, if the player romances Shane and just Shane, just... padded out a bit.
> 
> More chapters coming, still getting used to formatting on here.

When she’d taken the deed her grandfather left and made her long, slow way to Stardew Valley, she’d not known what to expect. You heard all sorts of tales about insular small towns, hating strangers, never trusting anyone who’d not grown up there. It had been so nice to be wrong, to be welcomed so completely by the villagers. Always a pleasant smile and a conversation – however brief – when you passed them in the street. Sure, not everyone was great at small talk. Poor Harvey the doctor seemed perpetually distracted, or possibly just full of hayfever. But everyone tried. Everyone made the effort, said hello, even sent her recipes they found or gave her tips on how to survive on a farm… somehow even without being patronising to the ignorant city girl she knew she was. And things started to work. Crops started sprouting, she saved up enough to start keeping chickens – bless Robin and her many wondrous works of carpentry. It was a friendly place, full of friendly people, helping her make the best of her farm and her life.

Well… not completely full.

Looking back, she couldn’t even recall the first time she’d met Shane. He didn’t really leave an impression. He was just… in the background. But slowly she began to realise, if she ever wanted to talk to him, she’d have to seek him out herself. And in the spirit of friendship and community she’d been learning here… well why not. Mistake. Rude would be an understatement. He’d effectively told her to fuck off, just hadn’t had to waste the words on her.

If she’d been a sensible person, probably even if she’d just been a good person, she’d have taken him at his word and left him be. But apparently stubborn was bred in deep in her – like her grandfather too, she knew… maybe it made good farmers – and her instinctive response to that kind of welcome was a fuck you very much too. Don’t want to talk to me, do you, bitch? Watch me befriend you, you absolute motherfucker. Well. Not out loud, anyway. But it had been a challenge she’d accepted without even thinking about it.

Whenever she was free of an evening, maybe walking back from the mine, dusty and laden down with rock, or hauling back a fresh catch from the beach, she’d stick her head into the saloon, see if he was there. Most evenings, he was propping up the bar gently in the corner, sucking up the heat from the fire while hiding away from conversation. So she’d pick her way over, nodding at Marnie, chatting with Willy and Clint, unobtrusively, carefully making her way over to the bar stool next to him to order a beer, get one for him too, and start chatting. “How did you know it’s my favourite?” he’d ask, like it wasn’t the most obvious thing in the world. Him and Pam, a matched pair, bracing the bar from both ends. But even then, even with a beer, a slice of her pizza, he wasn’t inclined to be chatty. On his best days, he’d avoid outright rudeness, settling for a quiet, drunken glower. On the worst… she weathered muttered swearing, insults and cursing. But it became a routine. If she had the time, and at least once a week, she’d make her way in and bother him for a bit, gentle, persistent and determined to make friends. In a town where everything was so easy, something about the challenge of him made her determined. She needed to prove she was worth being here, not just freeloading off everyone’s kindness. She needed to prove she could change something here, make her presence mean something.  
As she walked home afterwards – carefully picking the other direction, not wanting to make Shane feel she was anything more than a fellow traveller at the bar – and especially after she’d had a few herself, she would sometimes wonder if maybe he didn’t deserve this. Maybe he didn’t want a friend, and her persistence was just another shitty thing ruining his day. She was stubborn, but that didn’t mean there wasn’t space for doubt. She’d mull it over, crunching her way through the silent hedgey paths, and on some days, conclude that this was it, she’d take him at his word, she’d leave him be. But by the next morning, she’d always wake up and realise he’d never actually told her to leave him alone. Never actually told her to go away, not in so many words. He’d made a space in the conversation for it, but left it perpetually unfilled. Like he needed the world to see he didn’t want a friend, but couldn’t quite bring himself to tell that lie outright.

So she kept going. Kept talking to him. Kept buying him that one beer, that slice of pizza. It wasn’t honestly that much she was putting in, in the grand scheme of her life now. The farm was doing well, she was plenty well off enough, and most of her time, especially in the daylight, went into fostering more productive relationships. Her chickens, and now her new little duckling too, seemed to love her more each day. Perkins the cat a constant delight. And her new friends too. She spent more and more time with Abigail and Emily, and found in them a real companionship she’d not noticed was missing back at home until she’d had something to compare it to. She thought she’d had friends, but looking back… they were just people she spent time with. Just convenience. Just… moving furniture in each other’s lives. But here, she got to spend the time sitting with Abigail on the edge of the woods, watching the squirrels and giving them silly names, unprompted moments of shared nonsense. Emily had taught her to sew too – even let her have access to her sewing machine when she wasn’t around, a precious gift – and in that time showed herself to be kind, caring, and just as inquisitive about the world as Abigail, just in a different way. Starlight and sunshine between them. One day, she thoughts, they might eventually see the looks they each cast longingly when the other wasn’t looking, seeing the other half of their whole. But even while they were thinking of each other, they paid attention to her in a way she found new and beautiful. And so she put time into them, because she wanted to. Because she wanted to be around them, and have her time and presence wanted like that. Beside the farm they became a huge, constant and joyful part of her life. Shane was just… a little challenge she’d set herself. A small, grim satisfaction when he accepted that drink, finally answered a question, said anything about himself. A small thing, a thing she thought not worth more than an hour or two, once a week or so. A distraction. Nothing more.

It was only when she’d gone to visit Marnie – to buy a rabbit, such a mundane thing for a day that seemed to change everything – and walked in to find the doors open, and Marnie beside herself with worry over an unconscious Shane. Only when she’d heard him finally admit, aloud, in front of others, not just in the quiet space behind his eyes, that he’d reached the furthest limit of his will to live, that he’d followed the path down to the darkest corner of regret and hopelessness, and found a sort of answer there, only when Jas had heard it too, fled in tears, only when Marnie had run off to make sure Jas didn’t hurt herself, left her to figure out what to do, that she’d realised that maybe her meddling here mattered. Maybe she had a duty to him, if she’d been trying this hard to befriend him. Maybe he wasn’t just her spite, her wilfulness, made manifest. Maybe he wasn’t just a game.

And then… and then.

She’d got him cleaned up, back in bed, still barely conscious when Marnie got back. Somehow managed still to buy a rabbit. But then, rabbit finally settled, she’d headed out into the growing gloom, heartsick in a way she couldn’t pin down. She could barely remember now, but maybe she’d planned to go fishing, calm her nerves with the sound of the water. It would explain why she’d found herself down by the cliffs, in the cold and the dark, to hear the sound of someone crying.  
Who wouldn’t then go? Who could honestly say they would turn back and not help someone so obviously in need?

Besides, she’d known that voice.

And there he was, lying on the floor again, blind drunk again, puking his guts up too and filthy, but somehow, and god knows she’d seen it before, been it before, in that horrible stage of drunkenness where suddenly, lucidity, and the clarity and will a person lacked in the light of day came crashing down to fuel the darkest, truest thoughts you had and make them real. She tried not to remember those times. But she knew the feeling. She’d never been this deep, this raw, but she’d seen the shape of it, moving in the darkness, and had always fled just in time. Maybe she was just more of a coward than Shane. He was facing it head on, and saying things no one ever said to other people, except in that furthest, darkest place.

And again she realised, this wasn’t just a game. How could she have used him like that. How could she treat him like some simple competition. A cardboard cutout or videogame, to grind the right actions, the right words, put in the right coins until friendship came out. God, he was a person, and he was hurting.

And when he’d said it, when he told her he wanted to end it, to step off this cliff and leave it all behind, something twisted inside her, something that had been there all along, unseen. She did care about him, properly care. All that time spent listening and asking and telling and sharing. He wasn’t furniture either. He was as much a friend to her, in his strange, back to front way, as Abigail and Emily. And he needed her. He needed someone to give him a way back from the edge. He wanted to be talked back, even. If he didn’t, he’d have already walked himself into the abyss, she knew with a sudden certainty. He needed her to give him an excuse to start the long walk back.

But bland platitudes wouldn’t cut it. He wasn’t a stupid man, whatever he said about himself. It had to be a real way out, a true thing, something he could hold on to, test the weight of it and find enough there to take that first step.

“I’ll be here for you, no matter what”.

The words came unbidden. They felt inadequate, insufficient. But she couldn’t tell him he had so much to live for. Did he? She had no idea. The only thing she knew with any sureness – as much as she’d had when determining so flippantly she’d make friends with him no matter what – was that she was friends with him now, with all that meant, and that she would be there for what he needed from her. Friends, yes. That was it. Nothing… else. That twist in her gut. That horrible fear. Nothing… more.

But she pushed it all away when he took a deep breath and asked her to take him to the hospital. He’d been willing to trust her. That was enough for now. And there really was nothing to him, light as a pole despite consuming nothing but pizza. Easy enough to haul up over a shoulder (and kick the cans over the cliff, littering be damned) and cart him back up the hilly path to town, to bang on the door and hope Harvey was a light sleeper, to sit, silently worrying, waiting for the news. The wash of relief, now coming at close to three in the morning – sleep apparently not an option tonight – when she heard he’d be ok, physically at least, stomach pumped and fluids making their way in, was enormous and overwhelming. She’d wanted to stay, to see him wake up but she had other things that relied on her too. Odd as he was, Harvey was great at his job, and she knew that Marnie would keep the closest eye possible on anyone recovering in her house. Her part was done, for now, and another day of animals and crops, a tired day, beckoned.

She did what she’d been doing every day on the farm so far and lost herself in the work. No time for thinking dark, worried thoughts. Chickens to feed, cranberries to pick, crows to scare. Enough, so much, more than enough to do to drive away any thinking that wasn’t about simple necessities. Harvest time too, thank goodness.

She’d barely even realised a week had passed, full of late nights falling dirty and exhausted into bed, when he’d turned up at her doorstep, looking even thinner than ever, gaunt and shadowed in his angular face.

A different sort of shock, to have him come to see her. To tell her something secret, private, personal and vulnerable about himself unprompted. Something had been forged between them then, not just a change in her. But to know he was seeking help, to see the determination in him about following through with it… maybe… maybe she had made a change by being here. Maybe her presence was something good after all.

She knew, after he left, whatever she’d said back to him had been inadequate. Normally so eloquent, she hadn’t the words to tell him her relief, her hope. She hadn’t the words to tell herself either where those feelings came from. Just friendship, she thought. Just caring for the community.

But she’d also put aside the first tomatoes from her greenhouse to make a pizza for sharing when Robin finished building her kitchen.


	2. Chapter 2

If she were better at being honest with herself, she’d have admitted she’d been avoiding the bar. Sure, harvest was a busy time, but not that busy. She’d not needed to go to the mine every single evening she’d had free. She’d not needed to take the north path up into the hill to avoid going into town. But eventually, the air was cooling, Spirit’s Eve was only days away, and suddenly there just… wasn’t work to do. Not enough to fill a day. She didn’t need any more stone. What she did need was to see another human being and have an actual conversation. So she walked herself into town one Thursday afternoon, said her hellos to people, caught up, chatted, met Emily’s bird that had somehow flown into her window during migration, laughed herself into painful stitches at Abigail’s impression of mine slimes and finally found her feet taking her, as dusk fell, to the saloon. She hadn’t even really thought about whether or not she’d go, but her feet knew the way and knew the rhythm of life already, not even a year into living here, and so it was at 6pm she found herself sat on her usual stool, drinking her usual drink, with an empty space beside her and next to the fire.

Maybe, she thoughts, he wouldn’t come. If he’s stopped drinking like he said he would, a bar would be the worst place in the world to spend every evening. No way any person without a will of iron could do that, night after night, while everyone around you enjoyed their carefree normality. Maybe he was just at home, in Marnie’s house, doing… whatever else Shane did with his evenings. She could drink her drink, eat some pizza and let this unease settle itself, knowing that she behaved normally and it was just the world that had changed. Nothing that she’d done moving things off their axis. Strange how so quickly she could be settled into what “normal” felt like, and so upset, so disconcerted by it being thrown off again. This time last year right now she’d have been on a subway, heading home dead tired from a day staring at her computer screen, knowing the same would come again and again forever onwards. This time last year she’d just been a faceless cog in a seemingly unending machine. She’d been lost, hopeless without even realising, just setting one foot in front of another, day by day, trying so hard not to think that she managed not to see how bad things were, until it was finally too much to bear. She’d not even opened the letter yet then. Strange to think, when so much had changed.

She’d almost settled herself that this was fine now, and was even swigging the last of her drink to make an early night home of it when suddenly there he was in his usual place. She’d not even heard the door. He didn’t say anything, just nodded at her, which was at least a usual amount of amiable by Shane standards.

There was a stretched moment. A silence and space she’d normally fill by offering to buy him a beer. She’d even opened her mouth to do so, but thankfully her brain caught up just in time and instead:  
“Want a slice of pizza?”

“… sure. How’d you know? It’s my favourite.”

He visibly relaxed as she sighed internally with a wash of pure relief. Clearly she wasn’t the only one who’d been worried how this would go, and somehow, that had been enough to make it right again. Normal had changed, but maybe she could make a new normal in its place, a better one.

“So…”

Or maybe not. Since when did Shane start conversations?

“How’s harvest going? Busy I assume? Not seen you around much. Thought you might be avoiding me. Wouldn’t blame you.”

Ah. Well. A person can’t change too much all in one go she supposed.

“Really busy. I need to make sure I have enough fruit and ho-“ shit, no, don’t mention beer, “honey to get me through the winter. Girl’s gotta have enough cash to spend on hideous wallpaper somehow. I don’t know how Pierre keeps snagging me in with it, but he does. And hay, I suppose. Don’t want a chicken revolt on my hands.”

“Sure.”

Shit. What now. Was she supposed to reassure him that she definitely hadn’t been avoiding him honest? Or would that just make it more obvious that she kinda had now she really thought about it even if she didn’t really want to consider quite why just yet and certainly not on several beers oh god maybe she shouldn’t be drinking beer around him would that make things worse? Did she smell like beer now? Oh go-

“Pizza’s up!” Thank goodness for Emily, patron saint of convenient social niceties and goddess of sweet escapes from awkward conversations.

“Smells great, have you done something new to it?”

“Sweet of you, but you say that every time. It’s the same old recipe, just like usual. Gus still won’t let me do any experiments in his kitchen. Rude, I say. I bet you my ghostfish and artichoke pizza would be amazing if he’d just let me try!”

“For the last time, Emily, no!” Gus apparently had the ears of a middle school teacher. “I want to keep my customers. Besides, you don’t mess with tradition, not when it comes to food!”

“But Gus-“ Emily wandered off to start up again at the usual argument, in the usual way, full of good-humoured banter and the comfortable friendship of people who saw each other every day, and knew exactly what they could and couldn’t say to still be friends the next day and the next.

Which is where she’d really like to be right now, but Shane was still persistently being different next to her. Silent, like usual, but still different. No, come on Kia, you owe him this much, you can be the better person.

“Are you going to the Spirit’s Eve thing tomorrow? Lewis was telling me about it earlier, something about a golden pumpkin and a magic maze but honestly it didn’t make all that much sense. I assumed he was just messing me around, y’know?”

“Everyone goes. You should come too, if you’re not too… busy…” the word was definitely laden with a lot of meaning there, fuck you Shane and your distressingly accurate self-pity, “the maze is for kids but the food and… and the pumpkin ale are always really good.”

A shadow of… something passed ever so briefly across his face, but was gone before she could really begin to think about it.

“Everyone includes you then?”

“Sure. I guess. What else am I going to do? Saloon’ll be closed, and someone has to look after Jas when Marnie’s making doe eyes at Lewis.”

She nodded.

“Guess I’ll see you there then. You’ll just have to put up with my wittering nonsense at you two days running, your poor thing.”

He opened his mouth to say something, but once again Emily swept down like an avenging angel on a crusade against social awkwardness and presented him with a can of Joja cola. And that seemed to do for the conversation for the rest of they evening. They sat, they drank – she joined him the cola without even needing to ask Emily, bless her perceptive heart – they ate pizza, and suddenly it was so late she needed to rush off to bed to make sure she’d enough energy tomorrow to see her through chores and a whole festival.

He followed her out, and paused awkwardly at the point their paths would usually diverge, before shrugging and heading on his usual way, albeit with a quicker, steadier and more direct pace than she was used to seeing.

“Too much beer for introspection.” She thought to herself, as she walked the dark path home. “Emotions are a tomorrow problem”. Which was a noble thought, but tomorrow, like every other day, was full enough of chores and work to drive away any chance and self-reflection. As well she knew.

***

Spirit’s Eve was like a wonderful, childish dream. Flickering lights and pumpkins, the spiced warmth of the last Fall breezes and Gus’ cooking. So many sweet, delicious things to eat. She’d have thought herself too old for this sort of thing, but it was heady balm for a month of hard labour and concern. After a solid circumnavigation of the food table, she found herself a quiet corner to lean against a hedge and eat, watching the crowd hum and buzz around nearby. Her friends, now, maybe? Certainly her community. It was… a nice feeling. Moving here really had been a good decision after all.  
Food consumed – oh god, so full, so very full – she started to look around, to see if she could find Abigail to go into the maze with her. She could totally go in on her own, of course, she wasn’t scared… but company would be more fun. More in the spirit of a festival, right?

No sign of purple hair or blue, but as she wandered past the cage with – wait, were they moving skeletons? – someone else caught her eye instead. Shane was watching her. And knew he’d been seen, turned away to pretend his attention had been on the cage all along. Because of course things were still weird.

What to do, what to do? The more sensible part of her thought maybe this once she could trust him on this. If he didn’t want her to catch his eye, she could just leave the man alone and let him have his evening. But that had never been her way. If the awkwardness was right there in front of you, you plough your way into it head first and get it sorted out, one way or the other.

“Hi Shane, whatcha looking at?”

“Skeletons. Obviously.”

“Uh… huh.”

She leaned on the hedge next to him.

“Definitely not me then?”

“Why would I watch you? 

“Clearly not had enough of my chat yesterday. Where else are you going to get all the exciting details about the pumpkin harvest?”

He just hmphed to himself, kept watching the skeletons. What the fuck even were those things anyway? Where did Marlon find them? Or maybe that wizard had something to do with it. They looked… actually dangerous in a way she didn’t entirely like, but the cage seemed solid enough, and with a real adventurer around, she supposed it must be safe enough.

Oh fuck it.

“Shane, I…”

“Yeah?” Still not looking directly at her, just at his feet, but suddenly clearly tense and intent.

Don’t fuck it up Kia, don’t make it worse.

“I’m sorry, for not being around… for avoiding… I just… change. I didn’t know what the best…”

“THERE you are!” A bright blue flash and a vibrant grin.

“We’ve been hunting and hunting for you. Abigail wants to go in the maze but she too scaredy – no shut up you are I know it – so we want an adventurer to come with us and keep us safe from whatever they’ve put in the middle. Come on, it’ll be more fun than talking to this grump!”

Emily grabbed her hand without waiting for an answer, dragging her off up towards the steps. She was already laughing, glad to be with them, for them being so insistently themselves, already forgetting whatever it was she’d been talking about… oh.

She turned back as she was pulled along, stopping the others in their tracks.

“Come ooooonnnnn…”

“One sec, Emily”

“Fine, we’ll see you at the entrance, hurry uuuuup!”

They were gone.

She turned back to Shane, held a hand out, hesitantly.

“Wanna come?”

He actually thought about it. She’d expected a gruff refusal, nothing more, but he genuinely considered it. Looked her in the eye, even, and she saw something there beside the usual self-loathing. He was… looking for something, in her face. She didn’t quite know what, but hoped he knew she meant it, if he’d wanted. For a second, she hoped, maybe he’d actually give in, have some fun for once like a normal person.

But no, he held his hands up, shrugged.

“This grump’s going to stay here. You’ll have more fun without me.”

“I…” she didn’t have the words, still. She knew the shape of what she needed to say but couldn’t bring herself to say it.

“KIA! Come ooooon!” A shriek from beyond a hedge.

“I have to go. See you”

She didn’t turn back to see him watching her run away, crossing his arms as she turned the corner and looking disgusted with himself.

***

Somehow, she’d ended up alone in the maze. Emily had run back as soon as they’d seen the fake hands waving at the down the first corridor, declaring it all too scary and that she needed something to eat. So much so expected. Abigail had made it further, right up until they’d seen the spiders and she’d frozen stiff, had to be pushed back round the corner, to sit on the lip of the fountain and catch her breath.

“I’ll wait for you here, come back and show me when you find whatever’s at the middle. I’m sure you’ll find it. I just… can’t with spiders. Sorry.”

So on she went. It was all very tame, really. Nothing compared to fighting slimes in the mine, anyway. And eventually, after a bit of backtracking, she found the unsubtle sign that definitely didn’t tell her there was a secret passage right there next to it. Amazing no one else had found it yet, really. After that, it did feel a bit scarier, creeping her way in the dark along an unknown passage, but even that was brief, bringing her out into a part of the maze she’d clearly walked past, and just been unable to enter. And there it was, the golden pumpkin she’d been told about. Not actually that impressive, now she saw it in the flesh, but still, she’d won.

Not just that… she could also hear conversations of people passing by, if she listened. And who would be so incurious as not to, given this sort of chance?

Sam had clearly given up, and was grumbling to Sebastian about failing for another year. Sebastian was obviously trying not to laugh at Sam, and mostly failing. Penny was telling Vincent he needed to get out and back to his mother, this wasn’t a safe place, and was chivvying him out. Harvey talking to himself again as he went down the same wrong turning three separate times. She stayed sat there for a pleasant while, just listening to the sounds of them, not really wanting to go back. It was strangely comforting.

Eventually, she heard footsteps again, something out of earshot, and Abigail’s voice replying.

“She went on further, but she’s not come back yet. I got bored of waiting. I’m sure she’ll find us at the food table later.”

A murmur in reply… a male voice?

“It’s not been that long. She’s a big girl. Hardly needs you of all people to go in looking for her. She’s beaten up all sorts of things in the mines. If anything, she’d need to save you from Harvey wearing a bedsheet or something.”

Another pause.

“Suit yourself, can’t imagine she’ll thank you.”

Then footsteps, moving away, and another set closer, and then away again. Who was looking for her? Who did Abigail have that much disdain fo- oh, Shane. Really? He was worried about her? It was kind of hilarious, thinking anyone might not be safe in a silly maze set up for a village festival. It was also kind of sweet, if patronising. Probably she ought to go out and meet him, and head out to find her friends. She was getting a bit cold sat here, now she thought about it. But the imp of the perverse was upon her and she wanted to see if he’d find the centre of the maze too.

So she waited, sitting chilly on her pumpkin prize, and listened intently any sound of someone approaching.

And waited. And waited some more.

And waited even longer.

Maybe she should just go home?

She was awfully tired, now she thought about it.

What time even is it?

It’s quite cold, actually.

Maybe just close her eyes, for a moment…

…

She woke to feeling of a gentle hand on her shoulder, and another seemingly checking for a pulse. Eyes still shut – so tired, so very tired – she listened to Shane muttering quietly to himself.

“Nothing broken, definitely breathing, why’s she still here? Did she hit her head? No bruises… no cuts”

She felt a hand brush her hair aside to check for a bump she didn’t have.

“’s fine… I was just sleeping… ge’ off”

She opened her eyes in time to see him snatch his hand back as if he’d been burned, and a snatch of something caring disappear before the usual Shane face of disapproval came back to settle in.

“Why were you sleeping here? Everyone’s gone home.”

“Why were you looking for me?”

“Don’t you listen? Everyone’s gone home. You never came out of the maze.”

“So they sent you in to look for me, because people were worried?”

A pause. “No… everyone’s just gone back to their beds to sleep.”

Another pause.

A sigh.

“I was worried.”

That woke her up some. The twisty feeling in her stomach was back again too, and she wasn’t sure what to do with it, how to untwist it.

“I found the pumpkin.”

Another sigh, exasperated and back to more like the usual Shane.

“Great. I’m sure it’s extremely useful for something. Maybe you should get home now? It’s gone 2 in the morning. Or can you even manage that walk on your own?”

She was about to protest that she really was just fine, but her legs didn’t entirely seem to want to co-operate with standing up, so she accepted the offered hand and a supporting shoulder to lean on as they headed back through the dark tunnel.

“Why were you even out here this late?”

“I was listening to people, through the hedge. It was interesting.”

“Eavesdropping? How polite…”

“Oh shut up, I wasn’t trying to hear secrets, it was just… nice to hear people chatting to each other.”

A quiet hmph, but no disagreement. This was after all a man who spent his evenings in a busy bar on his own.

“Besides, I heard you telling Abigail you were looking for me and I wanted to see if you’d find the middle. No one else did.” The quiet smugness in her voice annoyed her as it came out, knew it sounded callous of his sudden care for her being lost.

“So I had to wander around those sodding hedges just because you wanted to see if I could solve the same maze we have every single year? The same fucking maze I solved when I was visiting Marnie, aged eight, and hasn’t been changed since? Nice to know you think so much of my intelligence.”

He’d stopped, still in the dark of the tunnel, a tension now in the arm he had around her waist, holding her just that bit too tightly for comfort.

“This is what I get for giving a shit, huh? Some friend you are.”

“We’re… friends?” She honestly hadn’t realised he thought that way about it. Assumed she was just a nuisance to him still.

“Oh.”

Wait. Shit. That… that hadn’t been what she meant at all.

“No, I just… I didn’t mean it like that. I didn’t think you liked me, was all. Shane, sorry. I’d like to be friends, if you wanted.” It sounded so pathetic, so empty.

“Fuck off, I don’t need your pity.”

He pushed her away from him, against the cold wall of the cave.

“I thought…” his voice cracked “I thought you fucking cared… after… on the cliffs… I thought maybe you actually gave a shit about me.” He sounded almost in tears. “But no, was I just some sad pity case for you, like your fucking farm, something to fix up nice and then move on, get a better one? Jesus Christ what kind of idiot am I, thinking you’d actually be friends with me? You’ve got Emily and Abigail, with their nice lives and nice conversations, I’m just some drunk who sits in the fucking bar all evening.”

“Shane, no, I-“

“It’s fine, you don’t need to keep pretending to care. Leave me the fuck alone if that’s all it is to you.”

He started to move away, a few steps in the darkness, and another sigh.

“Fuckssake. I can’t just leave you here. You need to get home. Then you can leave me be.”

He hoisted her again, one arm over his shoulder, less gently this time. She could feel the tears running down her face silently in the darkness, a great lump in her throat stopping her from speaking, from telling him just how wrong he was.

He didn’t look at her when they came out into the dim lamplight, when they left the maze and the square, started the slow walk in the gloom to the farm. It was only when he dumped her unceremoniously on her front step that he finally faced her, and she could see him so tense he almost shook. And he could see the tear streaks down her cheeks. He paused, long enough that she could speak.

“Shane, listen to me. I honestly do care. I talk to you every week because I want to. I said I’d be there for you, and I will, because I want to. Please believe me, I want… I really want to be your friend.”  
She gulped, the tears wanting to come again.

“I know I’ve been shitty. I was avoiding you because… things changed. I didn’t know what to do with it, so I ignored it, and hoped it could be normal again if I didn’t look too closely. I’m sorry. And I know you have to put up with me just chattering at you all the time, even if you don’t want to listen. I shouldn’t have made you have to hunt me down at stupid o’clock in the morning just because I wanted to be nosy. I’ve been a crap friend. Please… let me do better?”

His eyes closed, and the tension seemed to leach out of him. She could see how tired he was too, how late she’d kept him out. His shoulders dropped and he shook his head, clearing some thought away.

“Come on, let’s get you in to sleep, for what little is left of the night before your chickens lead that revolt in the morning.”

She could barely speak for the relief, and it was only a small, whispered voice that managed to breathe out “thank you”.

***

Winter came. Seemingly out of nowhere. The crisp, bright leaves were gone and everything was blanketed with think, unyielding snow, the plants all dead in the night. All was silent, cold and bitter. Apart from seeing to the chickens, suddenly she had all this time on her hands. The mine called to her, letting her gather the rock she’d need to build more and better next year. And on the way home, in the evenings, she found herself pulled into the saloon more and more, drawn to that warm spot by the fire, and the conversation with… a friend. It was still a bright spot, a warm feeling in her heart when she thought about it, and a tug of guilt too. She promised to herself, every time she opened that door, she’d be the better friend she said she would. She let there be silence when he clearly wanted it, asked questions, shared food, listened to how therapy was going, how he was trying his best. And in return, seeing she had meant it, seeing she really did want to listen, he started talking to her in return, asking about the farm, the animals, the mine, what she liked about the town, thought about the people.

Again, normal had gone, but this time a new one did creep in to replace it, and a better one.

***

Winter tightened its grip, and her stock of hay to feed the animals began to dwindle. On a snowy, bright Thursday, she made her way down to see Marnie and use the money she’d got from selling that finally-brewed mead and beer to get in enough hay to see her through to spring.

A gust of snow followed her in, even as she tried to slam the door shut behind her. It melted in little drips onto the rug and the counter. A somewhat less little drip began to make its way down the back of her neck.

“Sorry Marnie…”

“Oh don’t worry about it hon, it’ll dry up in no time. We’ve got the fire on nice and hot.” She looked her up and down. “Which clearly you need to make some use of, you look about ready to catch your death in this.”

“Nah, I’m fine, I’m fine.”

“Hmmmm.” An appraising look. “Well. What can I do you for?”

She bought her hay, enough to see her plenty through until the warm weather came – she was fairly sure Marnie undercharged her for it too – and made pleasant chitchat, enjoying the heat of the fire despite what she’d said, and just enjoying Marnie’s easy way with people. But soon enough, she could see the light starting to fade outside, and she began to make her excuses to head home.

“Hey now, one last thing, before you go,” Marnie suddenly sounded… concerned almost. That was worrying. “So I’ve seen you hanging around our Shane of an evening in the saloon, a lot of days recently…”

“Yeah…” Where was this going…

“I just want to know, because he’s dear to me… what are your intentions t’wards him, hm?”

“My… intentions? I don’t have any intentions? I want… to be his friend?” She was confused. Had she fucked it up again, somehow? She’d been trying so hard to be good, to be caring. What the fuck had she managed to do?

“Just his friend?” Wait what? “Nothing more than that?”

“… what?”

“You’re new around these parts, so you may not know, especially not with being from the city and all, but there’s a specific way you’ve got to go about courting someone here, if that’s what you’re after.”

“Courting… someone…??”

“And don’t you be messing him around neither. You seem like a good girl, and don’t get me wrong it’s wonderful to see that old farm up and running again like it used to be, but you city people can be so… careless with other people… look what it’s done to Shane after all… and I want to make sure you know you can’t be like that here. There’s people here to keep an eye out, and we look after our own. Shane may not be my son, but he’s my own through and through, and I don’t want you using him and dropping him like he’s nothing just because you’ve taken a fancy to him. He’s been doing so much better now, and he clearly likes you so much, and he can’t take being messed around by another girl, just thrown away like-”

She couldn’t listen anymore.

“Marnie no. No. No.” She could feel herself going bright pink in the face, brighter even than the flush the fire had given her. “It’s nothing like that, I promise. We’re just friends. I just… want to be a good friend to him, that’s all. After… what happened. You know…” She trailed off, looking away, not wanting to think about it, still guilty and shamed and worried.

“Hm. Well. Good.”

A tentative look back at Marnie… was that… it?

“He needs a good friend. Oh don’t worry, dear the look on your face, no it’s fine, I believe you. Don’t go worrying I’ll say something to him about something that’s clearly not true. I’m sorry for doubting you, I’ve just got to be careful is all, he’s one of mine, and like I say, you’ve got to look out for your own.” She shook her head. “It’s silly now I come to think of it, really. You’re a good girl, you wouldn’t have done that, don’t know what came over me. And a terrible match it would have been too. Forgive a silly old woman?”

“You’re not old, Marnie.”

“Ha! Charm’ll get you everywhere.”

A deep, contented sigh.

“A good friend, though. Yeah, he needs one of them. And he’s been brighter since you’ve been friends with him too. Fewer bad days. Clearly doing a good job of it, I guess.”

A bright, brittle smile, covering a lot of worry.

“Now, tell me then, is there someone else in town you have got your eye on, hmm? Any nice young men you have taken a shine to? Do you need an old woman to tell you the what for on how to get the boys back to your farm in the proper, local fashion?”

The door opened behind her, thankfully saving her from having to answer that question.

“Evenin’ Shane,” Marnie nodded at him, “you’re back early.”

“Saloon’s shut. Gus was busy tonight.” He looked between them. “What were you two talking about? Kia looks ready to run straight out of the door.”

Marnie chuckled. “I was just askin’ her if there’s any of the local boys taken her fancy. I figure she doesn’t know the proper way of doing things here and I wanted to make sure she knew how to court them, if she did have an eye on someone.”

“Huh.” And unreadable expression on his face. “And do you, Kia?”

“I… should really be getting back now, it’s getting late. I’ve taken up enough of Marnie’s time, I think?”

“Ha! Sure thing, girl, and none of my business too, that’s fine. Just let me know if you ever do need any advice of that sort. I may be an old girl, but I still know a thing or two.” Marnie gave her a wink that made her blush so hard she felt it in the pit of her stomach.

“I will, I will, sure, but it’s uh… not something that I need any advice on just now, thank you.” She squirmed under both of their gazes.

“Well I’m just saying, Sebastian is a charming boy, and there’s no point wasting the time while you’re young and could still have some fun with-”

She and Shane both started speaking at the same moment, clearly desperate to shut Marnie up.

“WELL it’s been lovely-“  
“Leave her alone, Marn-“  
“but I have to go now”  
“don’t pry so much”  
“bye.”

And she shut the door behind her while they carried on a good-natured argument about gossiping.

No need to worry about the chill now, her face could easily melt any snow that fell on it, even in the gathering dark and deeper cold.

She’d made it half way back to the farm, in the gloom amid the hedges, when she heard the crunching footsteps in the snow behind her.

“Hey, wait.”

“Oh, hi Shane. Sorry. Marnie was being…”

“Yeah no, she likes setting people up. Just ignore her. I do.”

“What, she trying to fix you up with Penny or something?”

A dark look, away from her.

“Sorry, now I’m prying too. I didn’t mean it. I just… wasn’t expecting that. But it’s sweet, that she’s interested, even if she’s totally wrong about it. Who’s got the time for romance when there’s a farm to look after, right?”

“Yeah.”

The silence was awkward, stretching slowly.

“Uh, well…”

“Oh, right, sorry, your hay.” Shane looked embarrassed. “You left your stuff behind in the shop. In your rush to escape the Marnie inquisition. Here.” He bundled it over to her, dropping it too quickly into her arms.

“Thanks.” More silence. What to say? She didn’t want to go just yet.

“See you around, Kia.”

“Wait… since the bar’s shut, and I won’t get to talk your ear off later… walk me back?” The words were out before she could reconsider them, and the tensed for the inevitable grumpy rebuff.

“Heh. Sure.”

What. This was new.

“Want me to carry that for you?”

“Ha, very gentlemanly of you I’m sure, but I think I might be beating you in the weightlifting game somehow. I’ve got it just fine.”

“Oh… yeah… of course”

They walked on in a more companionable silence, through the back gate into the orchard, the trees bare in winter, and still young, full of promise of fruit for spring and summer.

“You got a cherry in? This’ll be lovely in the spring. All pink blossom.”

“Yeah, and an orange for summer.”

They headed on up past the coop, and he even held the door for her so she could shimmy between the sleepy hens, and dump the bundle of hay into the dispenser for the morning. When she turned back to leave, she saw Shane crouched down, gently fussing a drowsing hen, who was cooing contentedly at him.

“Who’s a good fluff? You’re a good flu-“ he saw her looking. “Look shut up. I like chickens, ok.”

“I’m not judging.” She wasn’t, honestly. He was a different person with the plants and the animals. She’d seen it at Marnie’s too. And when he was with Jas. He cared about the vulnerable things, and would be as gentle as you like with a new baby goat. Just not with people, it seemed.

She bumped him with her shoulder as he stood up. “It’s sweet. I wouldn’t have expected sweet from this grumpy old thing.”

“Ha.” He was grinning slightly to himself. “Animals are different is all.”

He held the door for her again to leave, closing it very carefully and putting down the latch. Obviously very used to the way of chickens and their morning chaos.

“Well, here you are, back at the farm, walked you all the way here and everything. G’night.”

“Thanks Shane.”

He didn’t answer, already clomping his way back off into the snow towards home.


	3. Chapter 3

Midwinter rolled on, and in the deepening chill that reached right into her little hut, even with the fire banked high and roaring, a little message dropped into her mailbox to tell her that the Night Market had come to town. Not a festival – god they had so many of those – but something else, new things, different things, maybe someone else not from around here. And three nights of it too. That definitely sounded appealing, to someone cooped up inside for days on end, seeing no one but the chickens and the determined regulars at the saloon, on those few days she could bring herself to venture outside. Everything was so quiet, everyone dug in deep in their warm, cosy homes, not wanting to stray out more than they had to in the bitter weather. Maybe they’d all be there, and there’d be some time for conversation, more than just a passing hello lost to the wind and the snow.

She headed out for the first evening, wrapped warm against the weather and walking fast, trying to warm herself up. The beach was frozen and forbidding, but the warmth of the boats on the jetty’s edge pulled her in, and when she found herself among them, there was a warmth there too, the heat of engines and braziers and bodies driving out the winter chill. That and the free, fresh hot coffee. That first night, she wandered in a haze, seeing all the stalls and never really lingering, asking questions, not waiting for replies, just enjoying being with people again. Suddenly it was near on 11pm, and when a strange, cloaked woman asked if she wanted to be sent straight home, how could she refuse? And then there she was, back in her own bedroom, out of the chill entirely. She was hooked.

She finished her chores distracted the next day, counting down the hours until she could go back. There was so much she hadn’t seen, so much she hadn’t had time to fully enjoy. Maybe she could take that submarine trip this time, or see what was on the boat out over to the east of the pier.

But when she got to the beach, just in time for the start, things didn’t go quite as planned. She was immediately confronted with Emily and Abigail, both pink with excitement and clearly buzzing with something to tell her.

“We haven’t seen you in ages!”

“Where have you been?”

“Sorry… it’s been cold, I’ve been having to make sure the chickens were safe, and then getting enough wood and stone… I’ve been b-“

“Yes, busy, always busy, we know,” Emily was smiling as she said it, clearly no judgement.

“But we have NEWS!”. She didn’t think she’d ever seen Abigail this excited and focussed on one thing.

“Oh?”

They looked at each other, grinned, then back at her.

“We’re… a we.”

“That is to say… well…”

“Abigailgavemeabouquetlastweek.” Emily clearly couldn’t keep herself quiet any longer.

“Huh?”

“Oh. Of course. You wouldn’t know.” Another grin. “We’re DATING.”

They were now holding hands, leaning into one another.

“We wanted to tell you as soon as we could.”

“Oh my god, congrats, that’s wonderful!” She was smiling, but Kia couldn’t help but feel a tug in her stomach. Things were changing again.

She kept up the cheerful face and encouraging words as she wandered the Night Market with her friends, but it somehow just wasn’t the same. The balance between them had shifted, and she felt now, as she hadn’t before, even when newly arrived in town, that she was… extra, unneeded. That they would be happier without here there. She didn’t begrudge them each other, and it was clear for anyone to see it had been coming for a while, but only… a selfish little resentment for where that left her. They were good friends, they’d try their best, of course, but it would change things, and more so as the years passed on.

After a while, she found she couldn’t quite muster the energy to keep up her cheer, so when they elected to go on a submarine ride, she begged off with claims of a headache, and went back to wandering on her own. A calm settled over her, but not a pleasant one, full of dread for the future, and wondering what would happen now.

She found herself heading across the less populated boats on the east side of the pier, over to a quiet little barge which seemed to hold a stage. But when she turned to park herself in a corner and see what the show might be, she found someone else already occupying it.

“Oh. Hey Shane.”

“Well you sound thrilled to see me. Shall I just go off then and leave you-“

“No, sorry, stay. I’m just grumpy is all, not at you.”

He shuffled over slightly so there was space she could sit beside him. She plonked herself down into it with a deep sigh.

“So. What’s up then?”

She wasn’t sure why, but something about it being Shane, gruff, rude, perpetually self-involved, made it easy to just open up and tell him. She thought, if anyone wouldn’t judge her for a little pessimism about her friends moving on to something without her, it would be him. She didn’t have to be quite as good and neighbourly, as constantly well-meaning as with everyone else. It felt relaxing, letting something out that was always there, but didn’t belong in the light of Pelican Town. And he was a good listener, nodding and mmhming until she got her way through to the end of her thoughts and worries.

“You’ll get used to it.” Ok, not the cheering up she could have hoped for. “Everyone’ll pair off, eventually. Until there’s only the odd socks left, like me, or Clint. They’re already starting. Emily and Abigail, Leah and Elliott, Alex and Haley, Harvey and Maru. I bet you there’ll be weddings coming next year and after. Lot of work for Robin too. Or maybe you won’t get used to it, and you’ll listen to Marnie and find a nice boy to settle down with, make little farmer babies, and then it won’t matter that your friends have changed, because you’ll have changed too.” Wow he sounded bitter. Maybe she’d hit a nerve. But then again, everything was nerve with Shane.

“Not helping.”

“What, you expected me to be good at this?” Ok, fair point. “You want me to say everything will be fine and stay the same? It won’t. Never does. But you’ll be ok. Someone’ll marry you and you’ll live happy ever after, and be just as wrapped up in them as your friends are in each other. It’s how it goes here. Not like back ho-… back in the city. Things are allowed to be messy there.”

“You miss it?” She didn’t, exactly. Life was so much better here, but she did see what he meant. People could be more than one thing, and the way their lives happened didn’t have to always be quite so simple and linear.

“Nah, not really. Marnie’s a saint for putting up with me, and I like having the chickens and Jas around. Better a soul-destroying job, no social life but chickens, than a soul-destroying job and a soul-destroying social life. It was just… I wasn’t obvious. I could be a background fuck up, with other fuck ups. I didn’t stick out like I do here. I… fit in I guess? And there were people who were just as broken and useless as me, so maybe some of the time, some of them thought I was pretty ok.”

She knew what he meant, more or less. Not how she’d have thought of it, but still.

“I think you’re pretty ok. You’ll do.” She gave him a bump with her shoulder.

“Yeah but… not like that. You know what I mean. Girls.”

“Hey, I’m a girl.”

“Yeah but… not like that.”

Even in the gloom she could see he was bright red.

“Thanks for listening though. You’re not exactly a ray of sunshine, but you did help.”

“Oh. Good.”

“And… Shane.”

“Yeah?”

“You’re not useless, ok? You’re not just a fuck up. You’re just… more complicated than everyone else here is all. I… get it.”

“Do you? You’re just as happy and nice as they are most of the time.”

“Because I suddenly dropped all the baggage that made me ditch my entire life – basically penniless – and move to a town where I knew no one, huh?”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, you’re not the only one hiding from shit you left behind in the city, ok?”

“Sorry. I…” He trailed off.

The silence stretched on for a while, awkward and empty. She felt like she ought to break it, but she was annoyed. Not just at him, but at herself. She’d been playing pretend she was completely content here, and now she didn’t like it when someone took her at her word? Ugh.

“I really am sorry. I know I’m self-absorbed. I should have remembered you have a life too, and problems. You just… you always seem so with it. So together. It’s… hard to imagine, that’s all. Sorry.”

“’s fine. I’m just grumpy today.”

A better silence this time.

“I know I’m not a replacement for them, but I’ll still be around, even if Emily and Abigail are wrapped up in themselves for a bit. I’m not going anywhere. If you’ll put up with me.”

Some of the tension and worry in her stomach eased, and she felt herself relaxing slightly. Felt grateful too that he was clearly trying, and what that meant for their friendship. She leaned her head onto his shoulder, warm and soft. He started slightly, then put an awkward arm around her shoulders.

“I’ll put up with you. Thanks. It does mean a lot.”

A gentle squeeze of the hand on her arm.

“Shall we watch the show then?”

“Mmhm, I’d like that.”

***

The rest of the winter passed more quickly, the preparations for the Feast of the Winter Star taking up a lot of everyone’s time, especially the gift buying. She’d been given Vincent as her secret gift person, and had to spend most of the week before the festival desperately wracking her brains for what to give him. What did kids even like? She’d barely spoken to him. In the end, she’d had to ask an amused Abigail – “you’re not supposed to TELL” – and gone along with her baffling idea. But even stranger, he liked his snail, and declared to anyone who was nearby that he was going to keep it as a pet. She felt the need to apologise to his mother, somehow.

Maru had a gift to give her, a spiced pumpkin pie that smelt beautifully of autumn – “we always keep a few behind to get us through winter, and I thought you might cold in that little farmhouse on your own” – and the whole day passed in a warm buzz of festivity. Winter was nearly over, spring would be here again soon. A time for reflection, for being thankful for what you had.

She’d managed to reconcile herself to the change in her two friends, and had mostly trammelled down her discomfort whenever she felt a third wheel to their happiness. They’d spent some happy, silly time decorating Emily’s house for the festival (upsetting Haley in the process, of course), and she found herself, sat near the tree, thinking that, for all the worry she may still have about her place as their friend in the future, she was still truly thankful to have them.

And… Shane. She was thankful for him, too. He’d genuinely been a good friend to her too, these last weeks. He’d realised she might have her own problems going on, and clearly made an effort to ask her how she was doing, not just vent his own problems. He still did that, of course, but there was more of a balance now, it felt less like she was someone he needed to keep him on his current, better trajectory, and more like an equal. God forbid, someone he wanted to spend time with.

He seemed happier, too. She watched him, out of the corner of her eye, listening eagerly as Jas told him about her present (Jodi had excelled herself there, to no one’s surprise), and there was a murmur of something inside her to see him genuinely smile.

He caught her eye, saw her looking. Headed over while she could feel her cheeks turning pink.

“Hey. Having fun?”

“Yeah,” she was, more or less. “Yeah this is nice. Evelyn has been telling me how I should be using the time to reflect on what I’m thankful for, and it’s been… good. Not exactly fun, but… yeah… comforting.”

“Pfff. No one really does that sort of thing anymore. It’s just presents and food. Or presents that are food, in your case. Maru’s always good for gifts. She takes it seriously.”

“Well… I don’t care if no one else does. I think it’s a sweet idea. Evelyn was right, it’s made me more optimistic for next year. I’ve got plenty to be thankful for.”

“Oh?”

“Emily and Abigail, really, if I stop being a sulk about it. Everyone here, being so welcoming. Like, they’ve all gone out of their way to make me feel like I can make a home here, be part of a community.” Shane was making gagging noises. “And you, obviously.” The gagging turned into a choked cough. “Well, I am. Sorry if my mushy feelings are spoiling your time communing with the food.”

“No, it’s fine.” His face was bright red, and his voice strangled. He coughed again, but this time sounded a little less than genuine. “Glad I could be of service.”

She wrapped her arms around herself, a little against the chill, and a little against the feelings bubbling in the pit of her stomach again. Still uncertain.

“I’m… thankful for you too… I guess.” He coughed again. “No, I mean. I am. Especially after, y’know.”

Bubbling harder than ever.

“So… what do you think of the food?”

They spent the next hour or more chatting about nothing, mostly food and decorations and the people around them. It was nice, but it hid something else, she reflected as she headed home. She shut the door against the icy chill, and huddled up next to the fire. Thinking about being thankful had made her wonder, made her examine how she squirmed every time Shane actually looked at her. Did she… was he maybe more than a friend to her now? She didn’t know, had never been so uncertain in herself than this. Before, with guys, it had always been so clear and so simple, someone you met in a bar, a club, you hit it off easily, maybe went back home with them or them with you, and even the longest thing didn’t last more than a month. A mutual… using or something. Needs being met, that was all. She’d not really had much chance to think about sex since she’d been here, too caught up in the farm and the business of making it work, making it enough to see her through the winter, and making herself a place here that meant something. She’d genuinely just been too busy, and so she’d never stopped to think, even after Marnie’s prodding, if there was someone here who might mean something more to her than friendship.

She couldn’t deny the flutter she’d felt when he’d wrapped his arm around her at the fair. Or the horror when she thought she might have put him off her forever back in fall. There was… something… there but she didn’t know what. And whatever it was, she realised, she couldn’t risk a friendship on it, not one that was such a fragile but necessary bridge for both of them. If he didn’t… if he wasn’t… it wouldn’t be worth the hurt it would cause. Better to bury it deep, let it pass, and maybe start to think of other things, maybe other men, in time.

And yet she couldn’t bring herself to consider anyone else in town that way, either.

A mess of her own making, just like she’d been trying to leave behind. But she’d be braver, better here. She’d push it down. She’d keep it down, for the sake of her friend. For both of them.


	4. Chapter 4

Spring came, finally and suddenly. The ground thawed, and once again the heavy work of farming filled her days. She still just about made it to the saloon one day in the week, still saw her friends there, but it was always a flying visit, to let them know she still cared, even while the business of the farm gathered up every moment of her time. So much to hoe, and plant, to tend and water. Feed to gather for the animals, fish to catch, buildings to shore up after the wet and rot of winter.

So it was something of a surprise to her when she opened the door one morning, just as things were beginning to calm down, to find Shane there waiting for her.

“Hey.”

“It’s 6am”

“6.10, actually.”

“Shane. What are you doing here at this godforsaken hour? Has something happened?”

“What? No, I just had to come before work started. I figured you’d be up for the chickens.”

She was tired and bleary, and still not used, even after a year, to thinking and functioning at 6am. Feeding the chickens didn’t take much brain power.

“Ok, so why are you here?”

“Huh? Oh right. Uh… so I got two tickets to the Tunnelers game tonight. In Zuzu City. If you wanna come, meet me at the bus stop around 5? No pressure. I know you don’t follow the game but I just… thought it might be fun?” He moved awkwardly from one foot to the other, not really looking at her properly. “Anyway. Gotta get to work. See you later. Or not. It’s fine if you don’t wanna.”

He fled.

Well. That was weird.

It took her until most of the way through her morning chores, gathering the first harvest of parsnips to sell, for feelings to start writhing in her stomach. Going somewhere… going to the city… with Shane. She tried to pummel it down, reminding herself that friendship was all she wanted with him. But it wasn’t just that. The idea of being back in the city… being back where she’d been a different self. She wanted it, and hated that she wanted it. Didn’t want to be that person again, but wanted the ease with which she’d known the rules for her life, known what she could and couldn’t do. There wasn’t any trying, only doing, and being. It had been many things, many bad things, but it had at least been known.

But she didn’t once consider not showing up.

She showed up at the bus stop dead on time, wearing some of the few city clothes she’d still kept with her, a pair of skinny jeans and a simple but low cut top, the sort of thing she had no use for anymore. She’d brushed her hair too, spent some time looking at herself in the mirror to make sure her face would still fit back in her old home. It felt like a costume. It felt fake. It made her uncomfortable in her skin, like she wasn’t even sure who she was anymore. And so it was a very distracted Kia who met Shane at the bus stop that evening, not one paying much attention at all to what he might be saying or doing.

“Hey! There you are. I’m glad you decided to come.”

“Oh… yeah…” she was fiddling with her jeans, couldn’t quite get them to sit right after a year of loose dungarees.

“We should get going, c’mon.”

She headed onto the bus, still absorbed in trying to make herself feel comfortable, trying to find a self to be for the evening, already regretting the whole thing. She barely noticed the conversation they had on the ride there, the discussion about gridball, the surprisingly helpful explanation of the rules of the game, until suddenly they were standing in the stadium, right in the front seats with a great view of the game.

She forced herself to pull her head out of her own ass and engage. He was being nice, she could suck up her discomfort for one evening. She could definitely stop scanning the crowd, wondering if she knew anyone here from before.

From kick off to half time, she put her whole self into paying attention to the game, asking questions about the rules, listening to Shane’s commentary about who was good, who wasn’t, which tactics were stupid and doomed (even if they ended up in triumph despite his predictions).

At half time, he headed off up the stands, she didn’t quite catch where too, and she sat in her seat again, forced to pay attention to the thoughts whirring around her head. Every face looked like someone she’d seen in a haze of beer in a bar late one night, or a haze of hormones in their bed afterwards. She shrunk herself down, hoping not to be seen, not to be recognised, feeling claustrophobic at the huge press of people that had never bothered her before she’d left. How much had changed in just one year?

He made it back just before the second half began, passing her a cold beer.

She gave him a look.

“Only when I’m watching sports, I promise. This is the first one in six months.” He seemed in earnest. “And I’m only having the one. But it doesn’t feel like a game without it.”  
She was reassured to see him only sip it, make it last most of the half. Hers was gone in two gulps, desperately needed to quiet the blur of her brain.

Possibly a mistake without dinner first though.

She was focussing on trying to stand straight, not let the beer go to her head, when Shane looked sideways at her, stopped paying attention to the game for a moment.

“I’ve been meaning to say… and it’s kinda why I asked you to come with me.” What? “Thanks for sticking with me through everything… my anxiety, depression… you know… You’ve been a really good friend to me.”

He looked back at the match, awkward again.

“Anyway… your first gridball match huh… how are you finding it?”

“Noisy.” That was her overwhelming, beer-addled impression right now. The crushing press of the noise and people around them. “It makes me appreciate how peaceful it is back in… back home…”

She realised after she said it how ungrateful that sounded, but couldn’t find the words to apologise.

“Oh yeah, I guess that makes sense.” A different Shane this one, he’d been a different person all evening, alive and full of energy as soon as the day had turned to gridball. “Me, I get bored with Pelican Town sometimes.” Not home for him, she noticed. “But I like that you’re different. We balance each other out.”

The squirming in her stomach intensified, the beer and emotion mixed together in a perfect cacophony.

They were running up to the final minute, and the score was so close, one goal would do it either way. She could feel the tension in the stadium, and in Shane. He was dead focussed on the pitch, fingers white clutching his empty can. She didn’t dare ask questions anymore, this clearly mattered to him, to everyone else, far too much.

So she paid attention too, amid the buzzing hush of the crowd, intent on this final act.

“They’re on the attack… come on come oooonnnnn…” he was muttering quietly to himself.

With seconds to spare, the young Tunnellers winger Shane had been extremely dubious about all game made a desperate bid on the outside edge, scoring a ragged but victorious goal.

She turned, to ask Shane… something, she wasn’t even sure what… just glad the tension had broken… only to find him grabbing her, kissing her.

It felt amazing, however brief. She hadn’t been kissed in so long, and it wasn’t until she had it she realised the depth of her hunger for it, and for him. Realised quite how much she’d been squashing down in those feelings over the last months. But there was no chance to respond. He pulled away immediately, a look of horror on his face.

“Oh. Oh god sorry. I got carried away there.” He crumpled the can in his hand, beer spilling out. “Maybe I shouldn’t have even had that one beer.”

It dropped to the floor, and he brought his hands up, clearly wanting to do something, grab her, apologise, but just as clearly paralysed by the realisation of what he’d done.

She didn’t think. She’d been thinking all evening and she’d just reached a point where she couldn’t anymore. Habits, bad habits, ones she’d not had cause to use or think of in over a year now, took over, and she crossed the gap between them in two confident steps, grabbed those clutching hands and kissed him back, hard and fierce.

She felt him tense, under her gripping hands, his shoulders pulled in with shock for a moment, until he leaned in, kissed her back, full of the same urgency she felt. One hand reached up behind her neck, made a ruffled mess of the hair she’d so carefully put up, but she didn’t care. She leaned in hungrily, opened her mouth to him, her hand reaching under his hoodie to wrap around his shoulder.  
They stayed there like that for a stretched few minutes, totally absorbed, while the crowd around them was distracted by the celebrations of the winning team. It was only when an airhorn blared right behind them that Shane pulled away, breathless, staring at her in wonderment.

“Well… that was definitely a good game. Oh yeah… and we won, too.” He grinned sheepishly at her.

She went to take a step, to go back to him, kiss him again and again and not stop, but she lurched, the world wobbling beneath her.

“Hey, hey woah there, are you ok?” He caught her, held her close, tentative. Oh god that felt good. She wanted to reach up and hold him back, touch his face, his hair, but her feet wouldn’t hold her.  
“Mmmnnnnh” was all she could manage to say. Everything was a heady, beery rush.

“Are… are you drunk?” He sounded so worried, she could live with that too. “Did you… had you had anything to eat before we came here? What was the last thing you had?”

“… breakfas’?” She wasn’t even sure.

“Oh Jesus Christ, let’s get you back home. You’re going to feel horrific in the morning. Let’s hope you just don’t remember any of this. Good fucking grief I’m an idiot.”  
He managed to bundle her back to the bus, even got her standing straight enough when they got on that the driver didn’t question it, didn’t worry what she’d do to his upholstery.  
He was then silent as they drove through the starlit darkness back, passing oases of light in each town they drove past.

“Shane… sorry…” she could hear the slurring in her voice, sounded far drunker than she felt… hitting the lucid patch inside her brain but not quite able to get it out there. She tried harder, she knew this bit mattered. “’m sorry… ruined your evening… didn’ think prop’ly… sorry…” She reached out to touch his hand, to hold it, but he moved it before she could reach.

“Ssh now, you didn’t ruin anything. I should have thought you wouldn’t have eaten. You looked washed out all evening. I was just caught up in my own stupid head, my own stupid thoughts. I can’t believe for a second I genuinely thought you… you might…” his voice cracked. “But it’s fine. You’ll probably forget in the morning.”

“Don’t wanna forge’”

“Well I want you to.” That felt like a slap to the face. “I meant what I said. You’ve been a good friend. If you just forget what I fucking did we can go back to being friends again without me having to deal with having broken this too, like I break everything. One fucking beer, not even one, and I’m back to being fuck up in chief. I’m never touching one again, I fucking swear.”  
She wanted to comfort him, touch his arm, but her hands were clumsy and she seemed to swat at him like a child. He spent the rest of the journey settling her still, leaning her against the cool glass of the window, making her drink water from a bottle he’d managed to snag somewhere.

When they got to the bus stop, he wrapped a very un-tender arm around her and hauled her home, making sure he saw her flop into bed – a new room now, bigger, a double bed, space for actual belongings here – leaving her a glass of water on the side table, before huffing his way out and slamming the door behind him.

He didn’t hear her murmured “waait…” as she sank into sleep.

***

In the morning, all was headache. She got up late, only pulling herself out of bed to the noise of the chickens going batshit without their breakfast at 10am. Any chores that could be ignored, were. Thank god for sprinklers. Everything that had to be done was done slowly, exceedingly carefully, and with the occasional groan. When all was done, around 4pm, she flopped down on the sofa to drink some more water and try to piece together the previous evening.

She remembered the bus ride over to the city, remembered feeling crowded and hemmed in by the sheer weight of people. Remembered bits of the game, even. But not the outcome. Did they win. She couldn’t even remember if she’d enjoyed it. She hoped she hadn’t been too hard to get home – oh god, what if she’d puked on him – but had absolutely nothing she could dredge up about it. There was only a lingering sense of unease. Something bad had happened? Or was that just her feelings about being back in the city bubbling up again? She didn’t know, and shoved the clothes deep into the bottom of her chest so as not to have to think about that again. She’d ask Shane next time she saw him. He’d know.

But she didn’t see him for over a week. He wasn’t in the saloon whenever she dropped by. She even timed her trip to Clint to coincide with when he might be walking home from work, but there was no sign there either. Something was… wrong. 

Finally, after two weeks of worried hoping and waiting in the right spots to find him, she decided to just suck it up and go to Marnie’s. Confront whatever it was she must have done to upset him, try to fix it.

Marnie looked… concerned when she walked in.

“Hey Marnie, how’s things?”

“Not so bad, not so bad.” She seemed distracted too.

“Is… is Shane in? I haven’t seen him in ages. I was starting to worry…”

That got her full attention. Clearly what was eating up at Marnie too.

“I don’t know what’s wrong with him. He’s not been this bad since… y’know. I thought it was the game, but the Tunnellers won. And even then he normally cheers up after a day or so.”

“Has he been… drinking?”

“No… no thank the lord for that. But he’s… not in a good way. And he won’t talk to me. Not a word. Jas is starting to get worried too, you can tell. He’s never rude or mean to her, but she can tell something’s up. It’s not good to be around…” She hugged herself slightly. Weird to see Marnie so not in control of her household.

“Want me to try to talk to him?”

“Would you?” The relief on her face was enormous, and made Kia’s stomach twist. If she’d caused this… “He talks to you. Maybe you’ll be able to get something out of him. If you could… that would be something.”

She led Kia through to the kitchen and unlocked a door.

“Go on in, and if he grumbles tell him I sent you. He can blame me all he likes, for all the good it’ll do.”

“Thanks Marn…”

She didn’t feel thankful. The apprehension was worse now. What could she possibly have done? A deep breath and in she headed.

His room looked as it ever did, a mess of games, clothes and books strewn about. This time, no beer smell, which was a relief, but there was a definite sense that someone had been in here for some time, and maybe not washing as much as they ought to. It felt stuffy and close, too warm.

“Shane?” She couldn’t see him at first. It wasn’t light in here, and he was hard to pick out amid the mess. Wait, a movement. He was lying face down on the bed. She moved over to him, perched herself on the very corner, not too close.

“Shane? Are you awake?”

“What are you doing here?” He’d not spoken to her like that since she’d first arrived in town. And not even then. Oh this was bad…

“I’ve not seen you for weeks. I’ve been… I’ve been worried about you. I… don’t remember what happened, when we went to the city, but whatever it was, whatever I did, please, please tell me. I’m sorry, and I want to fix it if I can.”

He rolled over, looking at her, incredulous.

“What you did? You didn’t do anything.” Wait what. She didn’t believe that.

“But… then why are you avoiding me?”

He hunched up at the head of the bed, as far away from her as possible.

“Don’t wanna talk about it.”

“Please, Shane, at least tell me what happened. I don’t remember anything really after half time in the game. I’m sorry I got drunk, ok. I should have eaten something beforehand but… I got distracted. How many drinks did I even have? I didn’t puke on you did I?”

“No. No you just had one. No puking.”

“Then what happened that’s so terrible?”

“Said I don’t want to talk about it.”

She moved up closer to him, put a hand on his knee, trying to be comforting.

“Shane, please. It can’t be so bad. Please just tell me.”

But he snatched his leg away from her touch, stood up and moved away from her, couldn’t even look at her.

“I fucked it up, ok. I fucked everything up. I don’t want you to remember, because then you’ll know what a useless screw up I am all over again.”

“But you’re not a screw up…”

“I fucking am. If you knew, you wouldn’t be here talking to me.”

“I would. I can’t think of something you’d do where I wouldn’t still want to try to fix it, to help. I said I’d be there for you, didn’t I?”

He was facing completely away from her now, and… was he shaking slightly? She walked over to him, a hand on his shoulder this time. Definitely shaking. Was he… crying?

“Shane… I want to help. Please… please just tell me what happened?”

“I… I…” he sagged, giving in. “Fine. Fine. Rip the fucking bandage off. May as well deal with you avoiding me now rather than later. But not here. Not where Marnie can hear me say it.”

“Ok, then let’s go somewhere else. The saloo-“

“No.” He didn’t want anyone to hear? This was getting worse and worse by the second. She needed to know now what had happened. What could possibly be so terrible.

He headed out of the door, walking almost faster than she could keep up.

“Shane, are you-“

“We’re going out, Marn. Back… dunno when. Don’t wait up.”

Marnie gave her a baffled look, but she could only shrug in return.

“No idea, working on it.” She muttered as she followed Shane out of the front door.

He headed west, away from town, and past the little lake and pier where she liked to fish on warm evenings. Through thicker trees, and past a heavy log they had to clamber over, into a bit of the forest she’d never seen before.

“Where are we going?” She panted, trying to keep up with him. He was kicking leaves and sticks on the floor as he went, doing everything he could to not let her see his face.

“Just… don’t want anyone to hear. If I have to tell you.”

“No one’s going to hear us out here, please Shane, just tell me.”

“Nearly there.”

They rounded a corner, to see a strange white ruin, and a little quiet pond. He sat himself down at the edge of the water, which sparkled in the moonlight poking through the gaps in the trees. It was a beautiful, peaceful place. And an empty one.

She sat down beside him, not too close, and gently too, as though not trying to startle a wild animal.

“Please, Shane?”

He still wouldn’t look at her.

“Sorry… I… hoped you’d forget. I wanted things to go back to normal. I thought I could just pretend nothing had happened but… every time I went out, I was hoping you wouldn’t see me… wouldn’t remember. I couldn’t… couldn’t bear it.”

“Shane it’s ok, we can fix it, whatever it is. It can’t be so bad.”

“Ha.”

“Please, Shane?”

He wrapped his arms around his knees, still refusing to face her.

“Fine. Fine. You deserve to know. I’m just being a coward again.” A deep, juddering sigh. “How much do you remember?”

“I remember getting the bus there. The first half of the match. I’ve got… snippets of the second half. I just remember feeling really ill, and the crowd… the noise… but that’s it.”

“You had one beer, but you basically downed it. On an empty stomach. We… we watched the match… it was good. Really close at the end. Tunnellers won on a last minute goal. It was… really something. Great game.” She was nodding, even though he couldn’t see her, not daring to interrupt in case he stopped. “They scored and… well everyone went a bit mad. It was… lot of emotion. And I… I… look I’m really sorry ok. I just got carried away in the moment. That’s all. I’m really sorry, it didn’t mean anything. But…”

The pause stretched out, and she couldn’t help but butt in, feeling a sense of where this was going, why she was so uneasy. “But…?”

“But. I… I… kissed you. Look, I’m so sorry ok.”

“That’s it? That’s all?”

“What?” He turned to look at her then, not expecting that response. She couldn’t see much of his face in the gloom, but his eyes looked red raw.

“Well… that was all it was?”

He made a choked sort of sound.

“Did I do something? Did I make you feel bad about it? Shit, I’m sorry, I must have been super drunk if I made you feel-“

“No. No, not like that. You… you kissed me back. It was… nice…”

“Then… what’s… the problem?” Lot to sort out here, but the feelings she’d been squashing down were trying desperately to be unsquashed.

“You were drunk! You clearly didn’t mean it! I was just taking advantage of you, of feelings you didn’t really have, just to make myself feel better. It was a shitty thing to do, and I… what?” She was laughing now, interrupting his train of self-pity as she understood, and realised it really could be fixed. It really was that easy.

“Shane?”

“Yeah…?”

“You’re a colossal idiot, you know that?”

“What?”

She didn’t answer. She just grinned, ever more broadly.

“What?” he looked so confused, bless him.

Oh fuck it.

She didn’t answer, she just threw herself at him instead. But she was heavier than she thought herself as being, and him as light as a twig, so they ended up tangled on the floor. He still looked baffled, couldn’t take the hint even now, so, rolling her eyes, she kissed him instead, hard on the lips.

He pulled away.

“Wait… what?”

“How… how can you be this dense? I like you, you moron. I intend to kiss you again if you’ll keep letting me.”

He was bright pink now, she could see, but the desperate guilt was finally leaching away. He was starting to hope that maybe it wasn’t all so fucked up after all.

“You… do?”

She just kissed him again, slower this time, shifting herself so she could lie next to him on the grass. He didn’t respond at first, still shocked, but then kissed her back, so tentative, one hand ever so gently moving to her hair.

“But why?”

“What do you mean why? Because I like you, you doofus.”

“I know, you said, but why… why do you like me?”

She propped herself up on one elbow, looking down at him in the long grass. He was dishevelled and unkempt, sure, and definitely in need of a shave, but surely he could see the same thing she did whenever he looked in the mirror?

“You’re cute. And you’re funny. And you’re sweet, sometimes. And you’ve been good to me, especially when I’ve needed it. I don’t need a reason. I just… do.”

“… cute?”

She held his face in her free hand, looking at him properly, as she’d not really allowed herself to do these last months.

“Definitely cute.”

She kissed him again to emphasise the point, open mouthed and warm, her hand slipping down to his chest, under his hoodie, and reaching then round behind his shoulder, pulling him in close to her.  
Again, he hesitated, but then met her with a will. One arm was round her waist, pulling her into him, the other threading his fingers into her hair. She shuffled up, getting comfortable, ending up straddling his hips. It was several breathy minutes before they broke apart, and she sat up, hands on his stomach, looking down at him happily.

“Believe me yet?”

“I… I guess…” He still looked lost. Too much emotional whiplash for one night.

“Do you want me to stop kissing you?”

“No! God no.”

“Good.”

She shuffled again, trying to keep her leg from falling into the water. But as she wriggled over his hips, she felt him beneath her, hardening inside his jeans. Whoops. His face said he knew she could feel it too. He sat up, pushing her backwards slightly to sit on his thighs, so she wrapped her legs around his waist. She leaned in and kissed his neck, behind his ear, one hand trailing down his chest, down his stomach, down-

“Wait.” He caught her hand in his.

“Hmmm? Too much? Don’t want me to?”

“No. I… no… no… god no… I do… I just… it’s not how they do things here. Marnie would have a fit if she knew.” Oh… oh that reminded her.

“She doesn’t have to know. But she did warn me off you, you know?”

“She what?” Baffled again.

“You remember when you came in, and we were talking about finding nice boys? It was because she’d been worried that I wasn’t a nice, local girl, that I was going to use my nasty city ways to seduce you. Ruin you or… something.”

Half a laugh, half a choke.

“Of course she did.”

“But she doesn’t have to know. You can come back with me. To the farm. Stay the night?”

He looked tempted. More than tempted.

“That’s… not Pelican Town thinking.”

“So? I’m not from Pelican Town. Does that bother you?” She sighed, sitting back from him a little, taking this seriously, and looked him in the face. “What do you want? Not what do you think Marnie will or won’t object to. What do you want to do, just you?”

He shut his hanging open mouth, giving it a proper thought. Good. His hands, unthinkingly, still rested on her waist, one of them just slipping under her t-shirt, warm and slightly rough. Also good, but distracting.

“I want… I want you. I should want to do it properly. To fit in. Do it the Pelican Town way. I should buy you a bouquet, let everyone know I like you. And maybe… maybe I will? If you want that too. But… but right now? I just… I want you. If you’ll have me.”

“Good answer. Come on, let’s go-“ she made as if to stand, but he held on to her waist, pulled her back in closer to him.

“Do we really need to go anywhere?” One hand slipped down from her waist, inside her dungarees, just brushing the top of her thigh. It felt good. “I want you now.” He sounded desperate, and hungry. She could feel him through his jeans, pressed hard against her.

She kissed him again, pulling his hoodie off his shoulders as she did so. Enjoying the feel of his skin as she brushed his arms. “Here’s fine.” What did it matter really? No one was going to see or hear. No one was out this far into the woods. Just as private as anywhere they could go, and far more beautiful. “Here’s just fine.”

He stopped holding himself back then, pulled her in hard against him, kissing her with a passion that was nearly a fury, full of long-checked need. His hands fumbled clumsily with her dungarees, straps falling away as they both stood, moving into the grass, away from the water. They fell pooling around her feet and she kicked her boots off, socks coming with them, feeling the grass between her toes, chill but not cold. He was already yanking off her t-shirt, leaving her nearly bare in the moonlight. He stopped briefly to look, to marvel at her, and she seized the moment, tugging at his shirt while he kicked off his own shoes. She kissed him hungrily again, while his belt came away, and she tugged at the button of his jeans, clumsy with need. They were kicked away unceremoniously, and she could press up against him, skin to skin.

“You’re beautiful…” wonder in his voice too. He kissed her again, hands slipping round her back to try for her bra strap, letting it drop away, and a shaking hand came round to cup her breast, to run a thumb so carefully across her nipple. She couldn’t help it, she moaned into the kissing, and kept on kissing him, lips then neck then collar, chest and stomach, down until she reached his waist, tugging gently at the waist of his pants.

“Oh god” a murmur above her.

She hooked the elastic wide, pulling it down round his erect cock, and then all the way down, letting him step carelessly out of them as her hand ran back up his thigh. One finger, one nail, trailed slowly, to the crease between leg and stomach, down into the hair, down, to run the length of his hard, stiff penis.

“Oh god…” a moan this time.

She moved her face down, to take him in her mouth, but he reached down and pulled her up.

“No… no… I want to…” he broke the moment briefly “I don’t have… any protection… do you…”

“Pill. All good.”

He was already tugging at her pants, not even letting them fall all the way to the floor before bringing them both to the grass. She kicked them off as quickly as she could, not wanting to stop him now. One hand reached down, ready to guide himself in.

“Are you… sure…?” Still he was pausing, holding himself back.

“Shane I want you, I want you inside me, now… please…”

No more encouragement needed than that. Slowly at first, he eased himself into her, gently, unsure, but he could surely feel how wet she was, how much she needed him, and he began to thrust, harder and faster, as she clung to him, face pressed into his neck, fingers digging nail marks into his shoulders and back. She lifted her hips into him, her legs wide, felt something begin to surge deep inside her, below her navel. Oh god it felt good. She hadn’t known how much she wanted it. How much she’d needed him. She wasn’t going to last long, she might even…

No, too quickly, she felt the hot rush inside of her, felt him go limp, heard him murmur her name. She relaxed, disappointed but not shocked. She had hoped, but not expected.

He pulled away, out of her, leaned onto his side, in the grass.

“Did you…?” So unsure again. She considered lying, saying she had, just letting him feel better but no, he was worth more than that to her.

“No… not quite… nearly…” she was still breathless, still wanting.

“Sorry I was so… anyway… do you want me to…?” A hand trailed down her stomach, down her thigh, questioning.

“Yes… god yes… please.”

He slipped one finger down, gently trying to find the right spot. She guided him with her hand, touching her just where her lips parted, feeling him so intensely she thought she might scream with it. He was clumsy at first, unsure what he could do, how much, but she muttered her encouragements, biting her cheek so as not to yell them, and with every “yes” and “more”, he got the hint and was more confident, more sure. He’d done this before.

It didn’t take long for her too to reach a climax, back stiffening and moaning his name, pulling his hand away when he wasn’t certain, wanting to make sure she’d got all the way.

“Thank you…” she rolled onto her side to face him, press up against him, kiss him briefly, breathily.

“A pleasure.” He grinned, a self she’d not seen for a while coming back out.

They lay like that for a while, just touching, a comforting stroke of hand at neck or foot to foot, no words needed, until the chill of the spring night started to bite into the skin.

“We should… go… it’s getting late.” He didn’t move though, didn’t let go.

“Yeah…” she was cold now, but reluctant, couldn’t quite bear to end the moment. “You could still come with me? Back to the farm?” Said more in hope than expectation.

“I want to… so much… but I can’t… Marnie… Jas… I have to…” he looked so guilty.

“No, it’s fine. I understand. But… come see me tomorrow?” It was a Saturday. He didn’t work Saturdays, not unless the weather was bad. It was meant to be bright and sunny tomorrow, a perfect spring day.

“Of course. Yes. Of course.” He still hadn’t pulled away. Kissed her again, this time on the nose. “As soon as I can.”

“Mmmm. Good.” She’d have to be the one to do it then. One more kiss, and she sat up, hunting around for her clothes. She found them strewn in a line toward the pond, and dressed quickly, against the cold.

She turned back to watch him pulling on his shirt, skinny torso exposed to the dim light. Still some muscle there, the hint of a body used to effort and exercise, at least once. Skinny, underfed, but not entirely wasted yet. He caught her watching him and grinned, awkward as a teen. She couldn’t help but smile back when he grabbed her hand as they walked through the woods, crunching through leaves to the background whisper of wings in the night, the occasional hoot of an owl. He let go though, as soon as they passed the lake, came close enough to see the lights in Marnie’s house.

“How do I look?” He fussed with his hair, his hoodie, as if he’d not already been crumpled when he left.

She pulled a stray leaf away from his jeans. “Still cute. Yeah I know,” she cut in as he started to protest, “you look a mess, but no more so than you did this afternoon.”

“Rude.” He was still grinning though.

“Accurate.”

He kissed her again, leaning down slightly to meet her, only slightly taller than she was. She leant into it, tried to make it last, and he clearly wanted the same. Dragging it out. Eventually they pulled apart.

“I… could walk you back… if you wanted?” But she knew then she’d only end up tempting him to stay, making things more… difficult.

“No. Go on, go home. I’ll see you tomorrow, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

The last little way was walked in amicable silence, and he left her at the path with a brief wave and a smile. She could see the lights were only on in his room and the back room, now. Marnie must already be asleep. He’d be spared an interrogation for tonight, at least.

She made her own way home, buzzing, unsure how she’d manage to sleep at all after that. But she did, exhausted by emotion, as soon as her head hit the pillow. No dreams, but pleasant sleep, warm and happy.


	5. Chapter 5

Morning in Marnie’s house. Shane woke early, as he had been ever since he’d stopped drinking. It took a few moments to remember what had happened yesterday, how much had changed, but once he did, he couldn’t find the will to wipe the smile off his face. He fed the chickens as the dawn light shone in, showered, shaved more carefully than usual, dragged a comb through his hair (and immediately undid all its good work by running his hand through it as he walked downstairs). Was busy making himself some breakfast when Marnie came in, clearly back from taking Jas over to the library.

“Someone’s in a better mood today.”

“Hm?”

“I don’t know what kind of magic Kia works, but you’ve been humming to yourself all morning. You’re actually smiling for once.” She stared at him in bafflement. “What did she do?”

“Told me I’m a colossal idiot.” It wasn’t untrue.

“I could have told you that. What was it you were being an idiot about this time?”

“I… it doesn’t matter, really. I thought I’d messed something up, but I hadn’t. I was just being stupid about it. I don’t wanna say.”

“Uh… huh…”

“Look, you already know enough of my fuck ups…”

“Language.”

“Jas isn’t here, and I know you know the bad words.”

“That’s not the point.”

“Anyway. You know enough about the stupid things I’ve done… this one’s… fixed… so can I just keep it as a private mistake? Just this one?”

She hmmed to herself a bit, clearly still concerned.

“Is it gonna come back to bite me? Are you going to be worrying me absolutely sick again in two weeks, and me still no idea how to help you? Because if so, I think I need to know. I don’t… I can’t cope with watching you like that.” He’d not seen her this honest about her concern. He knew she worried but not… not this much.

“No. It’s fixed.” He hoped. God he wanted it to be. For this to be… a real thing. A permanent thing. He’d do his best to make it one. “I hope it’s fixed. I think it is. Yeah.”

“Reassuring.” She didn’t sound convinced.

“I promise, if it comes up again, I’ll tell you then, ok? But… let me keep this one. Please?”

She gave in, with a sigh. “I suppose. And it’s good to see you this happy again. It’s been a long time. Not since-“

“Marn, don’t.” He didn’t need today ruining.

“No, no, I know. You left that all behind you in the city. And you did. You’ve been doing well here. I am proud of you, you know that right?”

He shrugged, awkward.

She gave him a rough, one armed hug, knocked the wind out of him.

“You may not be mine by birth, but you’re one of mine now, yeah?”

He hugged her back. He’d felt it sometimes, felt like this was his place now, an actual home, but hearing it said was something else. Another good thing. Another reason to try, to be better.

“Thanks Marn. And you know I’m grateful. You’ve put up with… a lot of my shi-… nonsense. I promise I’m doing my best to be worth it.”

“Idiot. You’re already worth it. But I’m glad you’re trying.”

They ate their breakfast, and chat moved on to less personal things. The animals, the house, Jas, the state of his room (again). Normal things. Eventually though, she had her own chores to be doing, and he could slip out without having to say where. He hurried north up the path, already eager to see her again, even though less than 12 hours had gone by since… since… it still brough a flush to his cheeks. It wasn’t how things were done here, no. But neither of them were from here, really. She was right about that. Maybe being different, sticking out, wasn’t totally bad. They could do things their own way, find a middle path between the two extremes.

A nice thought to hold on to as he headed for the farm. Hope.

***

It was late again when she got up to feed the chickens, after 9. She slept so deeply, so soundly, she just hadn’t woken at the morning light like she had been. She showered quickly, keen to get through her chores and see… well.

He arrived while she was in the coop, wet hair still piled in a messy bun, hay on her clothes.

“Want some help?”

“Hey. Yeah… I’m a bit late and they’re pissed at me. Come be a chicken whisperer while I get the eggs?”

He wandered in, fussing and chatting, soothing. He really was good with the animals. Distracted them so she could finish up. He followed her on the rest of her morning round, holding doors, distracting cows, letting her get things done and not talking about anything but mundane necessities, until everything was sorted, and she could dump the day’s takings into the sale box, and go inside to flop down on the sofa.

He sat down less casually, a little away from her, unsure even after yesterday what the rules were between them.

She wanted to just lean in, cuddle up to him, but there was something she wanted to ask first, while she had the chance that he might tell her, might be honest and trust her with something fragile.

“Shane?”

“Yeah?”

“Can I ask you something?”

“Sure…”

“I know you’re not from here, not originally, but you never talk about it. You sound… sometimes you sound City. Can I ask… why you’re here? You know some of mine, and I’ll tell you the rest if you want, but… I’d like to know, if you want to share it?” She’d been thinking about it through the morning, reflecting back on what he’d said yesterday, about how he moved between wanting clearly so much to fit in here, and determinedly not following along with the rules.

He sighed, a shadow passing across his face. Something bad then.

“I… don’t like talking about it.”

“That’s fine, you don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

“No… I… you’re right, you deserve to know. Just… don’t tell everyone? Only Marnie knows the whole thing and… I want to keep it that way.”

“Of course.” Now she did move up, sit next to him, reached a hand in to grab his. “Your secret’s safe with me, I promise.”

“You’ll think less of me for it.”

“Pff, you said that yesterday, and look where we ended up. Trust me, ok. I think plenty of you. I’m not going anywhere.”

“I…” clearly not an unhappy memory of that at least “yeah… true. That… yeah. Ok. I guess. I’ll start from the beginning.”

***

He’d grown up in the city, all his life. His parents were originally from Pelican Town, his mother Marnie’s sister, but she’d got a job in the big city and left as soon as she could. Married his dad, a hard working, simple man. Had two kids, perfect family, a son and a daughter. Shane was the eldest, and while he’d not been the hardest working kid, he’d been talented at sports, and smart enough to maybe make something of himself one day. He’d been keen enough on gridball, his dad’s sport too, back in his day, to put in the time, the training, at school and camp and club, and had managed to win himself a sport scholarship to Zuzu City University. His parents had been thrilled, the first on either side to make it to college, and had pushed and pushed him to work hard, to put all of himself into everything, commit to gridball, commit to his classes, keep his grades up, stay out of trouble.

He’d managed it for the first year. He’d been a rising star in the game, not the best in the team, but a real solid player, always worth having. Small, but fast, and stronger than he looked.

Second year, things started to slip. A lot of the team weren’t like him, were rich kids from rich families, weren’t really worried about their place here. Their grades didn’t have to be perfect. They didn’t have to be the best on the team, and his earnestness, his dedication was funny to them. And he wanted to fit in. He wanted so hard for this to be his future, his place in the world, that he listened. He started coming to more parties, spending less time on studying, on practice. Still good enough, but not brilliant, not anymore.

Then, final year. Like most of the guys, he’d had a string of girls, no one serious, no one long term, just there for sex and fun and not much more. They’d meet at parties, they’d be the girls on the sports teams, or the cheerleaders, or the friends they brought along. Not really interested in him or his life, just looking for the same brief fun everyone else here was.

Except this one girl. He kept seeing her in the corner in parties. Beautiful, outgoing, confident. One day, after a lot of beer, he finally got talking to her. Got to more than talking. Ended up in someone’s bed, somewhere during the party, having fun… until her boyfriend showed up. Someone else on the team. One of the back line, a big, muscly guy, entirely there to bulk out the team, no real interest in university at all beyond sport.

He wasn’t pleased. There was shouting. Both of them at her, her at both of them, them at each other. It somehow ended up in the main bit of the party, Shane and the girl both only partially dressed, everyone drunk and mad, the crowd loving the gossip, the scene. And they’d ended up fighting. Shane was better at holding his beer though, and underestimated by a taller, bigger guy used to winning more by intimidation than skill. They’d both been hurt pretty seriously, both out for the next match at the very least, and it turned out later he’d broken the other guy’s collar bone and arm. Out for a whole season.

He’d been up in front of the dean. His falling grades couldn’t save him, his scholarship was revoked, and without it, there was no way he’d be able to pull himself through. Didn’t have that kind of money. Nor did his parents.

Then everyone found out the girl was pregnant. She didn’t keep it. No one would ever know who the dad was. But the shame hung around him, and his parents drew a line in the sand. He had to leave. He had nowhere else to go, so to Marnie it was. And hating himself, for all the things he’d had but thrown away. Realising the drinking hadn’t just been at parties, not for a while now, no wonder his grades had slipped, and he needed it. It had become part of him too, along with the shame.

And the years just… slipped on by after that. A dead end job. No friends. Just… him, Marnie, Jas and some chickens. And beer. And watching the days turn, every year passing hoping ever more that they’d maybe just stop turning, but not quite bringing himself to do anything about it.  
Then… a friend. A change. Things… becoming better.

***

“And yeah, here we are.” He huddled in on himself, expecting judgement.

She just hugged him.

“Honestly, not that bad. I was expecting worse.”

“Huh?”

“I’ve had friends do much worse, back when I was there. Seen plenty stupid things, stupid decisions. Made my own. Honestly, you’re fine. I don’t think less of you for it.”

“You… you still like me?”

She kissed him. “Duh.”

“Oh. Good.” He clearly wasn’t sure what to do with this information.

“People make shit choices at uni. I dunno, you might even have been making shit choices while I was making mine in the same place.” She didn’t actually know how old he was, come to think of it. Hard to tell, under the mess of hair and the stubble – although he was much cleaner shaved today, she noticed. Hmm.

“Doubt it. You must be at least ten years younger than me.”

“What? No. You’re not nearly 40.”

“… no… 33…”

“Shane, I’m 29.”

He goggled at her. Well, that was flattering at least.

“I don’t have a dramatic story to tell you, but honestly, imagine a string of stupid, drunken, party girl antics and a mediocre degree, and you’ll probably have most of the details right. A big… long string. And then carrying on, even once the dead-end job started. Stupid friends, doing the same stupid shit every night and weekend. Stupid parties you don’t remember afterwards. Stupid… well. Yeah. You know.”

He nodded. “I… hadn’t realised. Sorry. I hadn’t thought.”

“’s fine, I don’t talk about it much either. I don’t like who I was back then. It’s part of why… why I wasn’t entirely with it, when we went to the city. Dressing in my old clothes, being back, all those people… reminded me of being someone else. I felt… not me. And… ashamed, I guess. I realise I’m better now, and I don’t want to be her again. I like the me I’ve become.”

“That… that I can sympathise with.”

She leaned up against him, eyes closed, arms curled up against his side. He hugged her with one arm, resting his head on top of hers. A finger idly brushed her side where his hand sat. They just stayed that way, comfortable, for a time.

“Can I… can I just ask something?” He sounded worried again, he’d clearly been thinking something over too much.

“Sure.”

“I mean, I think I know the answer but I just… I wanna hear it, if that’s ok?”

“Of course.”

“This isn’t just… a fling? For you, I mean. This isn’t just… nothing and move on, right. Not just… not just the sex?” His hand on her side had gone still, and she could feel a slight shake there. He really was worried.

She sat up, so she could look him in the face properly, hoping he’d trust her.

“No. I promise. Didn’t you hear? I don’t like who I was, when I was like that. I don’t want to be that way. I wouldn’t… I wouldn’t throw away being friends with you just for that. This… means something to me. You… mean something to me. I want… I want this to be a real thing.”

He squeezed her hand, eyes shut.

“Thank you. I needed… I needed to hear that. Just… to believe it. I want… I want this to be real, so much.” That smile again, the shy one, she loved seeing it now.

“I know we’re not doing things the normal… the Pelican Town way… I know it’s not… how things are here. But that doesn’t mean it’s nothing. We’re not either of us very Pelican Town either. We can do things differently, if we want.”

He nodded.

“Or… we can do things the here way if you’d rather? I mean, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do, but I can do that, if you want?” Someone really did need to tell her, at some point, how things worked.

“Ha. We’ve already very much not done that.” He didn’t sound unhappy about it. “The way it’s supposed to go, you court someone, yeah I know, old fashioned word, but it is old fashioned. You court them very chastely, probably quite young, until you seem pretty sure of them. Then you bring them a bouquet – used to be you could pick them yourself but nowadays you just buy it from Pierre. Then of course Pierre knows and tells everyone soon as he can that there’s gossip afoot. You give them the bouquet, and if they accept, you’re dating now, boyfriend, girlfriend, whatever.”

“Right. So once you’ve done that you can stay over, be together more, but no scandal, just gossip?”

“Hell no. No sex before marriage. That’s nasty, city behaviour.”

“Oh.” Well. She hadn’t realised things were that different. “But… Marnie… and the Mayor. Everyone knows about that, and they’re not together. No one seems scandalised by that?”

“Wait, you think they’re fucking?” He laughed aloud. “Oh my god that’s amazing.”

“They’re… not? They behave like they are.”

“I… never even thought about it, but I see exactly why you think so. Totally city thinking that. Nah, they’re playing card games. But with No Chaperone!” He did a mock gasp of shock.

“But… he asked me to find his shorts. And they were in Marnie’s bedroom!” None of this made any sense at all. “He wanted me to be discreet about it.”

“Oh yeah, she does his laundry for him, because he’s a bit useless and she’s too nice.” What.

“Her bedroom though?”

“No, really, she does. But she keeps it in her room so she thinks we don’t know about it.” He was shaking his head. “Don’t get me wrong, she fancies the shit out of him, but she’d never do something so coarse as to sleep with him. She’s scandalised enough about being alone with him for non-sexy things.”

“Oh… my god. She’d have a shit fit if she found out about this. I… had no idea.” Oh god. What had she done.

“Yeah. She would. So she’s not going to.” Weird to hear Shane being the one with the simple solutions.

“Don’t worry. No one is judging you for being alone with people, least of all me. They know you’re city still a bit, and think you haven’t realised yet you’re basically being some sort of loose woman. Just keep pretending to be ignorant, and no one will think anything different. Just… I can’t stay the night here, or you with me. Or it’ll be obvious, yeah?”

Clearly.

“Sorry. I didn’t realise you… really didn’t know. I should have told you.”

“It’s fine. Why would you have needed to? I… I’m sorry about yesterday then. I didn’t realise what-“

“Don’t be. I knew. I don’t regret it.” He really did seem… different today. More so after telling his story too. More confident, more sure. “But… if we want this to be… what it was yesterday… it has to be secret. And if we want it not to be secret, it can’t be what it was yesterday.” He shrugged. “Lot of upsides to Pelican Town, but some things are just… how they are.”

She mused on that for a little while.

“What do you want then?” She didn’t know for herself, but maybe if she knew for him, they could start… thinking about things.

“I…” he blushed, vividly. “I want you. If you wanted to do things properly, the Pelican Town way, I can wait. I can court you, chastely as you like. If that’s what you want.”

“Not what I asked.”

“No… I know.” He sighed. “I want to fit in. To not be the weirdo propping up the bar.” There we go then, an answer. “But… I also… I want this. I want yesterday again. I want… you. You as you are now. Not… you in however many years, if you put up with being courted, if nothing goes wrong, if neither of us change.” Of course, still doubting himself. “You’re right. I don’t fit in. And maybe, this way… that’s ok? If it were up to me, just me…” he blushed even deeper, his voice going quiet, not quite daring say the words out loud, “I’d have you in every secret place there is in this town, however often you’d have me.”

Well. He wasn’t the only one feeling a sudden rush of blood to the face.

“What… what do you want?” He was watching her carefully, so carefully. So keen to keep her happy. If she asked, she knew he really would do it properly. Maybe they… could do that. A chaste courtship. And then what? A quick marriage. Popping out farmer babies? She… no. She wasn’t one of them enough for that yet. Neither one thing nor the other. But in this, she knew which side of her had the right of it. Relationships were for living, for enjoying, for seizing the moment when it came. Not for her the quiet wasting of her youth and joy. She may be listening to her hormones, to her needs, but sometimes they needed listening to. One day, maybe, she could settle down to their normal. But not yet.

“So… tell me about all these secret places you know.”

He grinned. Glee and lust and happiness.

“Or actually don’t. No one’s coming here, are they? You can’t stay the night, but you can be here in the day.” She couldn’t quite believe she was saying that, sober and in the daylight, to someone she’d only just been so intimate with. She felt brazen, made more daring by realising quite how much she’d broken the taboos yesterday.

“Not all the time. People aren’t stupid, you know. Eventually someone would question it.” Confident then, but he was still dense.

“I meant now.”

“Oh? Oh! I mean. Um. If you. I. Yeah.” Suddenly totally flustered again. She couldn’t imagine him at parties, picking up girls. Maybe the beer really did change him. Or being here had.

“We don’t have to, if you don’t want.” She was laughing slightly, enjoying being able to tease him like this. Enjoying the tension being eased between them, not having to hide what she felt. “But you do look pretty when you’re that red.”

He didn’t reply. She could clearly see him torn, between shock and the suddenness of it, and wanting it. The wanting clearly won, she could see him thinking about it, about her, seem him stiffening under his jeans. She stood up, slipped off her dungarees, and let her hair down, thankfully dry now.

He breathed out heavily. Slipped off his hoodie and shoes, and stood.

“Come on.” She pulled him through to the bedroom by his hand.

The second time was slower than the first. Less desperate. He took his time, touched her, kissed her, ran gentle fingers down sensitive places, made her want him more and more. When she thought he’d finally give in, instead he moved down, kissing her gently along the inside of her thigh, until he brought his mouth in, his tongue, to touch her down there, his hands wrapped around her legs. He’d absolutely done this before. Oh god it felt good. He didn’t rush it, taking his time, pausing, lingering. When she was so close she could feel it about to crash over her, she grabbed his hand, pulled him up, directed him into her, and he finally gave in, letting loose the passion and abandon he’d been holding back to make sure she felt good too.

She came first, thighs tight on his sides, clutching him close too her. She could feel her muscles down there tighten briefly against him. A few more thrusts and he came too, moaning quietly, tensing, eyes closed. He slumped but didn’t lie beside her, instead padded out into the bathroom next door. She could hear him take a few gulps of water, before he slipping back through to join her under the sheets.

“Sorry.” Then he kissed her. And she was grateful. His mouth was cold from the water, a chilly kiss on her lips, on her cheek.

“Don’t be.” She shimmied close up to him, skin to skin. “That… you were… that was very good. You can absolutely do that again.”

He kissed her on the forehead this time. “I’m glad. I will.”

There weren’t really words to say, for a bit. They just held each other, enjoyed the sensation of touch. How, she wondered, could she have considered forgoing this, in favour of flowers and chastity? Madness.

His hands wandered, while they lay there, half unthinkingly, tracing patterns on her arms, her shoulder, her collar.

“You really are beautiful, you know,” he said, half murmur, “and I… I get to see you… like this…” another grin. “You’re even more beautiful like this.”

“What, a mess?”

“Yeah. No. Just… you have lovely hair. It’s always up, or plaited or hidden. It’s nice to see it all out.”

She’d just not got round to cutting it. There was no hairdresser here, after all. Hadn’t known what do with it long. It had always been a bob, back ho-… in the city. She’d never really thought of it as much beyond a nuisance that got in her way.

“I almost chopped it off a week ago. Got the sheep shears and was so close. It just annoys me.”

“Don’t… or… not unless you really want to. I like it.”

Maybe worth keeping then.

“I could say the same for you… you hide a lot of good things under those baggy clothes.”

He laughed nervously, but yelped when she reached round to grab his arse.

“Hey!”

“What? It’s a good arse! Am I not allowed to enjoy it.”

“Heh. I… suppose.”

“And all this muscle too… didn’t realise that was there.” You could see it on his bare arms, and a little down his chest too. Hidden under a newer layer of fat, but still something there, something stronger.

“It’s… faded.” He sounded sad. “I used to be a lot fitter.”

She kissed his collarbone, ran her fingers along a bicep.

“It’s nice as it is. Not too much… but just there. I like it.” She hugged him. “And you feel nice, to hold. And holding. It’s… good.” It felt inadequate to say, but she’d lost all her words again. He seemed to take her meaning though, wrapped his arms around her, so her head was pressed in close under his chin.

But again, it couldn’t last. The downside to the path they’d picked. Trading patience for impermanence. Each lovely moment had to end too soon, to keep it hidden. Eventually, the day’s light outside started to fade away, and a sleepy, warm and comfortable Shane had to pull his arms out from around her and start to find his clothes again. Get ready to head out, to the bar or to home, leaving an uncertain gap until the next time she saw him.

She stayed curled up under the sheets, watching him, enjoying seeing him like this. He was still bashful, turning away to hide himself while he pulled on his pants, but he was smiling too, part of him enjoying being watched so openly.

“Normally you’re meant to pay for a show, y’know?”

She laughed as he came back over to the bed.

“But it’s ok, I’ll take payment in kind.” And he tugged the sheets off before she had a chance to grab them back.

She squawked at the sudden chill air, rushing to find something to put on as quickly as possible, huffing to herself about how mean he was, joking with him. It was so nice to have that fun, that safety of something shared between them. She felt so comfortable and free.

When she’d pulled on a jumper and her dungarees, she walked up to him, poking a mocking finger in his chest in admonition.

“Mean!”

“Yeah. And?”

She poked him again. “I’ll get you back for it.”

“Whatcha gonna do?”

“Hmmmm… wouldn’t you like to know…”

He pressed up against her, pushing her backwards so she was flat against the wall. Distracting. Wasn’t he supposed to be leaving?

“Yeah. Yeah I would.” He kissed her again, definitely teasing, so much surer of himself now. But it made her hungry for him again, already ready for more. No. Now wasn’t the time. He had to go. But…

“Mmmm… definitely mean. I thought you were leaving. Now doing this to me. Cruel, very cruel.”

He laughed. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to… you’re just… very distracting.”

“Says you.”

“Mmm.”

They were kissing again, her arms wrapped around his shoulders.

“No… you’re right… I should go, go home. If I want to keep coming back… if you want me to…”

Not this again. “Shane, for the last time, I like you, no matter that you’re an idiot, and yes, I want you to keep coming back. Don’t make me spell it out.”

“Oh?” Laughing again.

“Oh very well then. Fine. Shane, I want you to come back, to my little farm house, to any secret places you know, and touch me in places that would scandalise this little town, until I say very rude words, and touch you back. I want to have you every which way. I want you to fuck me, hard and soft. I want you in my mouth. I want your mouth on me. I want you inside me. And I want you often. I want to make you shout my name. I want-“

“Ok, ok, stop, jeez.” He was still laughing, but flushed too. “God if you keep going, I really won’t be able to leave.” He pulled away, to sit down and put on his shoes. “And I really should be going.”

“Fine. But a question before you go.”

“Sure?”

“How secret are the letters people send each other? If I sent you something, is there a chance Marnie could read it?”

“What, no, she would never. She never looks at my notes.”

“Or whoever delivers them?”

“There’s no whoever. They just… get delivered.”

“Hmmmmm.”

“Why?”

“Oh,” she grinned, “you’ll find out.”

He kissed her one last time, baffled, but headed out. Clearly reluctant, but needing to go.

“See you soon?”

“See you soon.”

She waved him off, but already an idea was forming, a way to torment him, and possibly have a great deal of fun.

***

A few days later, breakfast was happening in Marnie’s household, and post was being distributed as usual. Less usual, something for Shane. Marnie was busy scanning through three or four notes from her various friends, and so luckily missed the flush of colour that hit Shane’s face as he opened his.

“Anything interesting for you?” She asked.

“No… just a recipe…”

“Oh, that’s nice.” She wasn’t really paying attention.

“I’m just gonna grab my shoes and get ready to head off.”

“Mmm yeah, that’s nice dear.” She wasn’t listening at all.

He headed up to his room, not daring to look again until he got there and shut the door behind him.

Sat on his bed, he got it out again to read.

_Dear Shane,  
You said these were secret, and I hope that’s true. If anyone else is reading this, avert your prying eyes.  
It’s been a few days since I saw you, and I wanted you to know I’m thinking of you. Specifically, I’ve been thinking about how much I want to kiss your thighs, to run my fingers up behind your legs, as I take you in my mouth. I want to run my tongue along your cock, all the way to the head. I want to suck it, gently at first. I want to wrap my fingers around it, take you in my mouth as far as you’ll go. I want to feel you hard, inside me. I want your fingers grabbing my hair, while I suck you off. I want to feel you come in my mouth, hear you shout my name.  
Just thought you ought to know, really.  
Enjoy your morning, and hope to see you soon. Or send me your own note, if you like.  
Best wishes,  
Kia.  
P.S. I hope you didn’t read this at the breakfast table._

Well, for one thing, he was going to be late for work. He was already fiddling with the button of his jeans, flopping back on the bed and touching himself, already throbbing hard. He read the note again, and a second time, as he imagined her doing it. As he rubbed himself harder and harder, coming so quickly. He cleaned himself up in the bathroom, heading out in rush. Making it to work just in time not to be in trouble.

He didn’t really manage to focus on anything else all day.


	6. Chapter 6

Days passed. Days turned into weeks. They saw each other often, but irregularly. Mostly at her farmhouse, but sometimes in out of the way places where no one would go. They went back to the secret part of the forest more than once, to the mines on one memorable but slightly terrifying occasion, into the old community centre sometimes in an evening. Not always for sex, or not just. They talked, too. Enjoyed each other’s company. And they kept on meeting in the bar, the same once a week or so schedule as before. Settled into a routine, and a happy one, feeling surer and surer of each other as the time passed. They learned more about on another, grew happier sharing darker things, older things.

But in being more comfortable, more together, things started to show to people outside. With Shane, it was just that he stopped being grumpy. Some people assumed it was that he’d stopped drinking, but Marnie knew better. Didn’t quite know what was driving it, wouldn’t get an answer when she asked, but knew something else had changed. Suspected something to do with a woman, but no evidence, and never once considered Kia.

Kia’s friends were more certain a man was involved, and more willing to pry, but she gave them nothing but vagueness. They at least considered Shane – who else did she spend time with – but when they were together in the bar, they didn’t really seem anything more than friends. And besides, everyone knew Pierre would tell the moment one of them bought a bouquet, so surely they’d know soon enough, one way or the other.

Eventually though, Marnie was smart enough to make the step to ask Kia what was going on with Shane.

She’d come into the shop to buy some more supplies for the animals, humming happily to herself. She’d seen him only the day before, spent the afternoon sat by the lake chatting, nothing scandalous or intimate, just happy being together. And she was always in a good mood the day after she’d seen him.

Marnie noticed that too, and started to wonder.

“Kia dear?”

“Yeah?”

“You’re awfully happy today. Something nice going on in your life?”

“Oh, nothing much. Nice weather. The farm’s doing well. I just like living here.”

Marnie didn’t buy it. She knew an evasion when she saw one, and had spent enough time with Shane to start putting things together. She pressed on.

“Shane’s been in an awfully good mood recently too. He won’t tell me why though. You seem good with him, as you’re friends.” That weird emphasis shook Kia out of her revery. Oh no. “Do you know what’s going on with him that’s making him so happy? Is he finally courting someone? A nice, local girl, say?”

Her words were innocent enough but there was murder in her tone.

“Actually hang on, maybe you can ask him for me. Shane!” She yelled through the door to his room. “Shane, need you a moment.”

“Really, there’s no need Marn, I don’t –“

“Oh nonsense, you seem to be able to fix things with him all the time. I’m sure you’ll be a dear and help me now.”

Shane came out of his room, nodded politely at her, looking puzzled at his aunt.

“What’s up, Marn?”

“Strangest thing. You know I’ve been asking and asking you, for weeks now, why you’ve been so happy all of a sudden? And you won’t tell me, like it’s some secret I’m not allowed to know?”

“Yeah…” he was trying to keep his tone even, but Kia could tell he was worried too.

“Well, since Kia here is such a good friend to you.” Shit. They could both tell. Trouble. “And since she seems in an awfully good mood today too, maybe she could get you to spill whatever it is that’s cheering you up so much. And she’s a good girl. Wants to fit in here. Wants to be part of our community, right? So I’m sure she’d want to help an old lady sort out a puzzle with her nephew.” She smiled sweetly, from one of them to the other. “Right?”

An awkward silence, both of them desperately trying to think of a way out. But Marnie didn’t give them a chance.

“Well, that’s all the answer I needed. You both look guilty as sin.”

“Marn, wait,” Shane started, but he didn’t manage to finish.

“No, I was content to let you keep your secrets, last time you were upset. And when things got better I thought maybe, just maybe, you were making a good go of it. But you weren’t, were you? You’ve let a woman be your undoing again. You couldn’t just do things properly, could you? Couldn’t just wait, keep it to yourself? No. Of course not.”

“Marnie,” Kia tried, but again, no luck.

“And you! I thought you’d come here, try to do things right, be just like your grandpa, a proper farmer. You’ve been a good neighbour, and it’s a good thing too to see that farm up and running, but not at the expense of my nephew. No. No you get out right now, young lady, and you don’t come here again. You’ll have nothing of me or mine, not a jot, money or no.”

Kia was backing away, not sure what to do, whether she should just leave, let things blow over, but Shane was suddenly standing next to her, arm around her shoulders, keeping her there.

“I knew it!” Well, that was all the proof Marnie needed. “Let me guess, she’s pregnant too?”

Shane looked like he’d been slapped.

“Marnie, no. That’s enough. It isn’t like that. I’m not… I’m not like I was back then.”

“Then buy the girl a damn bouquet and do it properly why don’t you?”

What was there to say to that? 

“There’s no reason not to. Only if you can’t control yourself like a grown man. And you’re past old enough to be married too. Why can’t you just do things the way they ought to be done, Shane?” She sounded exasperated, close to tears.

“Marnie… I’m sorry. But just because that’s how things are done here… doesn’t mean it’s the only way.” Kia’s voice was quiet, but sure. Shane may be close to a son to Marnie, but he had a legacy of bad decisions she could hold over anything he did now. Nothing like that for her, only the unknown. It was worth trying. “I’m sorry I’ve messed things up, but I honestly didn’t know at the start. Shane explained it to me but… it’s not what I’ve grown up with. It’s not how we do things, where I’m from. It’s my fault. He did tell me. I just didn’t listen.”

“Kia, no.” She ignored him

“We kept it quiet so as not to hurt you. But that doesn’t mean I think it was wrong. I’m not… how did you put it before… messing him around. I’m not going to hurt him. I’m not secretly with someone else at the same time.” Marnie looked up at her then, sharp and confused. “Yes, he’s told me. But it’s not like that. I… care for him. A lot. I wouldn’t do something like that. So what does it matter if things aren’t happening in the right order? You said yourself he’s been happier. Is that so bad?”

“But everyone in town…”

“Doesn’t know. Why should they need to?”

Marnie was silent then.

“Marnie?”

“You just… you don’t understand. You’re new. How could you. It’s been so hard, having everyone accept him. But they have! He’s worked hard, he’s been part of the community. He can’t throw that away.”

“And I’m not, Marn.” He didn’t sound that certain, now. Hearing Marnie talk about him like that… but he still had his arm around her, still held her.

“But Shane, you are, don’t you see. You can’t just decide which rules apply to you and which don’t.” She sounded so tired, so very tired.

“What do you want me to do, Marn?” He was definitely scared. She reached an arm round to hold him in return, comfort him back, but he didn’t react.

“I don’t know… I don’t know. I just wish you hadn’t done this at all. I don’t know what you can do.” She sighed. “Just leave me be. Ask me again later. And you.” She looked at Kia. “I meant what I said. You don’t come back here again.”

She turned and headed into her room, shut the door firmly. They heard the lock click.

“Fuck.” He’d already started heading out the door, god only knew where. She hurried to keep up with him. He paused outside, clearly not certain where to run, especially in the rain. She grabbed his hand, tried to pull him with her north, to the farm.

“Come on Shane, we need to get inside.”

“I…” all the confidence he’d had these last few weeks sounded gone. “I don’t know. Maybe she’s right?”

“What?”

“Maybe… I fucked up here. Maybe we should never…”

“Then you didn’t fuck up. I was the one who-“

“But you didn’t know. I did. I should have stopped it. Said something. But I was stupid.”

“No. Shane no. It was a decision we both made.” He was shaking his head but she stopped him, made him look at her. “Listen to me. We discussed it. You told me. We both said what we wanted, and it was this. It sucks that we’ve been caught out, but it’s happened now. We can’t fix that. We can’t undo it.”

“I know… I just… Marnie…”

“I know. Talk to her tomorrow. But for now, we need to get inside.” She pulled at his hand again. “Come on, come to the farm, at least until the rain stops.”

He kept looking back, but he came with her. They were drenched by the time they got inside. Normally she’d be using that as an excuse for something more, but not now, not today. She got him a hot drink, and they both sat down by the fire to dry.

“What are we going to do…” He sounded scared, and lost again. 

“I don’t know.”

Silence. Only the crackle of the fire.

“I can’t lose Marnie.” So scared. “She’s been all I’ve had for years. She stuck with me… even when I was… when I was.”

“I know Shane. I know.”

She tried to comfort him, hug him, but he didn’t seem to want to be touched at all. What could she say.

“Talk to her again in the morning. Ask her what you can do, to fix it. She’ll let you make it right, I’m sure.” She wasn’t, but she had to try.

“And what if making it right is stopping this? Stopping seeing you? What if she wants me to choose?” That’s what he was scared of. And could she blame him? Having to pick between the one person willing to look out for you for so many years, and someone you’d known barely a year? She could see why he’d want to give in to Marnie. How could she judge him for that. She realised she was already bracing herself to lose him.

“Then you choose. You pick her.”

Silence again.

“Kia… no…”

“Why not? She’s too important to you.”

“But… so are you…” He didn’t sound as sure as she’d wish him to be.

“What if she’s right. What if I am the problem though? What if I am ruining things here for you? Stopping you fitting in, being happy?”

“Kia no. I wasn’t happy at all until you came. You know that. I… can’t do it without you. I need… you.” Again, not so certain. She wanted to trust him, to let him reassure her but she couldn’t quite believe it. “I need both of you.” A deep sigh. “You’re right. I’ll go see her. As soon as the rain stops. I’ll see what I can do. How I can fix it.”

For all that he wasn’t the confident person she’d grown to know in the last few weeks and months, there was still something there changed from the Shane she’d first met. He was… making choices. Making hard decisions and not letting his despair get the most of him. Something had shifted in him. She didn’t think it was her, not really. More that he’d made that first, hard step, and been able to keep making the ones after it. She’d helped, maybe been the catalyst, that horrible night, but all the work had been him and him alone. Happiness that depended on another person wasn’t real happiness, and his had definitely been real. She allowed herself a bit of hope too. A bit of trust in him. She’d fight back her own despair.

“Come on,” he stood up, still damp but warming up now, “it’s late. The rain isn’t stopping soon. We should sleep.”

“Yeah…” She wanted to curl up next to him, have him hold her, tell her he wouldn’t let her go, but didn’t want to be so needy when he had such a difficult thing to do.

He mistook her quietness for reluctance, or something else.

“I can sleep on the couch, if you want? I don’t have to be in your bed if you’re worried?” Entirely neutral voice. Trying not to push her either way. God she was lucky to have him.

“No… I want you with me. Please.”

They were both cold, chilled and wet still, but huddling together kept them warm in the darkness. Not intimate touch this time. No spark of desire. She changed into her pyjamas in the bathroom, and found him already in her bed, wearing his boxers. It wasn’t the same comfort, feeling like a new barrier was there between them, but when he held her close it was good enough, for now.


	7. Chapter 7

He was gone when she woke up. She wasn’t surprised, when she was lucid enough to think about it, but in the confused first moments of wakefulness, all she felt was a strange absence. And sad, that the first time they’d managed to spend the night together had been caused by this. Sad that she couldn’t hold him in the morning too. Wondering, trying not to wonder, if she ever would now… if things were fixable.

He’d left her a note, on the inside of her front door. Proof he hadn’t just upped and gone, and a comfort to the worries already returning inside her.

_Dear Kia,  
Sorry to leave while you’re asleep. Gone to Marnie first thing, before she goes out. Want to fix things. Want to make it right. Back later, whatever happens. Promise.  
Shane._

It wasn’t much, but it was something. And knowing that she’d at least see him again today, some time.

She dragged out her chores, filling the space of the hot day, summer beginning to threaten on the horizon. There needed to be something in her day to drive away the urge to think, to overthink, and she lost herself in the work to find it. When she ran out of normal, daily tasks, she found herself doing all the things she’d avoided, she’d left undone in the last heady weeks, when her free time had found other, happier outlets. She cleared the stones from the empty fields, cut down bushes and gathered the fibre for use later, cut hay to feed the animals – how would she manage without Marnie to buy from now… a big concern she couldn’t deal with right now – planted more grasses to replace them. She cut down trees, neatened edges, replanted seeds in better spots. She threw herself into the physicality of it, doing each job hard and right, putting all her care and worry into the chop of the axe, the swish of the scythe. Anything but thinking.

And so it was a sweaty, drained Kia that stumbled back to her farmhouse at 6pm, into the growing evening gloom. Still light, but cooler, a beautiful time if she’d had the mind to appreciate it. She barely had the mind to notice, after all that hard labour, that Shane was standing at her doorstep again, until she was standing right beside him.

She dropped her tools, went to throw her arms around him, but he backed away.

“Shane?” Had he made a choice after all? Was this… it?

“Sorry. I was… I had to…” something there, in his voice… regret?

“Oh. You… picked Marnie then?” She needed to get inside. Needed him not to see the hurt that was going to come soon. She couldn’t fight back the tears for long.

“No! No. I told you, I couldn’t… I need you both.” Then why… what was wrong… “I… spoke to Marnie. She’s… she’s not happy. She’s… pissed at me. At you. But more at me, I think. She… she’s right. She doesn’t want me to make the same mistakes again and… I know it’s not what you want, and… I know I wanted… I felt like I wanted… but I think she’s right.” He didn’t look convinced, but he did look resolved. He’d made some kind of decision today. “I think… I think we need to stop this.” Fuck. “And… do it properly.” Oh. Maybe? She wasn’t sure.

He picked up a bundle that he’d had set behind him – how long had he been waiting here for her – and offered it to her. She didn’t take it though, looking at his face instead.

“Shane… what… what would this mean?”

“If… you take it. It means… we’re… it’s a real thing, like you wanted.”

“But we can’t…?”

“No. We can’t be alone together, at least, not in private. Nothing… intimate. Nothing scandalous.”

“No kissing?”

“No kissing.”

“Am… I even allowed to hold your fucking hand?” Why was she suddenly so angry at this? She wasn’t sure. But it felt like something was still being ripped away from her and she hated it.

“… yeah… a bit… in public…” He hadn’t expected her to be so upset, had he? He was losing his certainty.

“And then what?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, what happens then? Do we just… see each other in carefully controlled public places, barely affectionate? Keep on doing that for… how long? Until what? If we do this Shane, then what?” So angry. Where was this coming from? She’d never felt like this before.

“Then… then…” why was she doing this to him… she wasn’t angry at him, not really, but he was the one right in front of her, the one asking her to give this all up, and she couldn’t bring herself to control it, not right now. “then…” his voice was so quiet, so scared, “… then you get married. If… you both… if you still want to…”.

He looked so lost. So desperate. She wanted to hold him in her arms and make it better, and she couldn’t, and that made her so mad. She wanted to scream. She knew the right thing to do was to take those flowers, accept the rules of the place she’d made her home, help Shane keep his place here too, help fix things, make his life back what he’d spent so much time making it.

But… but she couldn’t quite. She couldn’t quite bear it, somehow. What she’d be losing. What she’d be having to trust in. Too much, too soon. Maybe she’d been wrong, what she’d said to him, and to Marnie. Maybe she hadn’t left it all behind after all. Maybe she did just want a quick thing and done, moving on. Maybe… maybe she was going to ruin him.

“And…” she kept the bitterness and the rage out of her voice, kept it steady and quiet and even, “and what if… what happens to you… to us if I don’t take it?”

“Then there’s no us.” The look in his eyes. How could she say no? Would it really be that bad, to give in? Worse than losing this completely?

“Shane…”

But he was struggling too, and whatever will he was keeping himself in check with broke.

“Kia no. There’s no middle path here. You have to pick. I… had to pick. I… don’t like this anymore than you do but if I have to make a choice, a hard choice, I’ll take the one that keeps you with me. I’ve been willing to take a risk for you, for this… so I’m willing to make a sacrifice too. I thought… I thought you would be too…”

“Shane… I… I don’t know if I can… I… it’s been what… weeks? I don’t know. I’m not… it’s too soon. It’s too quick… making a decision that changes… my whole life… I don’t…”

“So what, you were happy to make one that changed mine, but now when you have to compromise, that’s the line?” He was angry now, upset. “I thought… you said this meant something to you. You wanted it to be a real thing. Well, this is how you make that choice. Are you saying you… you never meant that?”

“No, of course not! But…”

“Kia, please. Just… just take the fucking flowers. Please. I… need you. I…” He sighed, his eyes closed, wait was… was he crying? “I… I love you.” She barely heard it, so quiet.

He wasn’t looking at her now. She still just wanted to hold him, to comfort him, to make it all go away. But looking inside herself, she knew she couldn’t yet say those words back to him and believe them. Still too soon, too new. She wanted to. Wanted to be as brave as he was being, trust in this, and in him, but she couldn’t. Not yet.

Too long a pause.

“So that’s it then.” Only bitterness now. Only shame. “Marnie was right about you. That’s… all it was.” He threw the flowers on the floor between them, careless now. “I can’t believe I’m such an idiot. I can’t believe I just… went along with it… what was I thinking?”

“Shane, no,” she was trying to hold him, trying touch him but he kept backing away from her, “Shane I… it’s just still too soon. I want to… I want you too… I want to fix this but…”

“Wanting isn’t enough, Kia. Wanting’s what made this mess.” He was turning to leave.

“Shane, wait.”

“No. Leave me alone Kia. Leave me the fuck alone. I hope… I hope you figure out what you’re doing here. I thought I had.”

He was gone before she could say anything more. She slumped onto the ground, next to the flowers he’d just left, sobbing into the twilight. What had she done?


	8. Chapter 8

She couldn’t bring herself to get rid of the flowers, after she’d cried herself empty. They stayed, perfect and unchanging, in the chest she kept in her room. Nor could she bring herself to take down the note he’d left on the door. No one else came in here. No one else could see. And she needed the reminder, every morning, of what she’d cost herself.

That night, when she went to bed, she cried all over again, the smell of him in her sheets.

Days passed before she could even come to leave the farm.

The first day she made it back into town, a solemn Abigail pulled her aside before she even made it to the square. She was plonked in front of the fire in Emily’s house (Haley dutifully in the background) to be interrogated by the two of them. Evidently Pierre had told… at least a significant proportion of everyone that Shane had bought flowers for someone, and they’d of course known who that someone would be. And now everyone had seen Shane in a foul mood and so the obvious conclusion was… well…

“So you rejected him?”

“Emily!” Abigail, at least a little bit more tactful.

Kia was glad she’d already cried her tears out. She felt too drained to start again.

“I… it’s more complicated than that.” She couldn’t tell them the whole thing. She wanted to, but they wouldn’t understand, and it would hurt Shane to have them know.

“Kia,” Abigail was very serious now, holding her hands. Emily was making her a cup of tea in the background. “Do you like him?”

“I…” Abigail was just watching her quietly, no judgment, just help. “Yeah.”

“BAFFLING.” Emily still not helping in the background.

“Then why did you not take it? What’s wrong?” She truly wanted to help, but there was no way to explain it to her.

“I… I’m not… ready… I…” she pulled her hands away, wrapped her arms around herself. “I’ve only been here a year. I barely know him. I barely know anyone. It’s not… how people do things where I’m from.”

A concerned look between her friend, and Haley too. They were all so young, she realised. Emily the eldest and only 23. What must she seem like to them, not ready to settle at an age they’d all expect to have had children. Have a home and a spouse and a different sort of life. How much she realised she must stick out, not in Shane’s way, grudgingly, knowingly, but oblivious to the unspoken norms of the place she wanted to call home.

Suddenly she was homesick for the city in a way she’d not ever thought she’d be. Homesick for fitting in.

“Then how do they do things?” Genuinely curious, unknowing.

“I… it’s a lot different.” She didn’t want to have them think of her like that.

“People fuck around a lot.”

“Haley!” Emily this time the indignant one.

“What? I’m not wrong. Am I?” Kia shook her head. No point denying it. “They may settle down eventually, but they mess around with a lot of people first. They don’t have to make a decision so soon. It doesn’t matter in the same way.”

Abigail looked… slightly disgusted.

“And… is that what you want?” She couldn’t bear to have her friend looking at her like that. Couldn’t think what to say that wouldn’t be a lie. It was and it wasn’t.

“I just… I want more time.”

All three of them were now sat round, watching her. Emily and Abigail clearly wanting to help but unsure how, unsure how to deal with this new information about life elsewhere. Haley though… she hadn’t looked like it was distasteful to her. And she’d known. Maybe… maybe she at least understood, at least a little? But still.

“Well, you’ve definitely got that. Doubt he’s going to speak to you again any time soon, that’s for sure.” Or maybe not. She wasn’t the most sympathetic of people. “What did you even say to him to make him that… angry?”

“It’s Shane,” Abigail pointed out, “he’s always a bit angry.”

“No, she’s right,” Emily sounded actually concerned, “you didn’t see him at the bar. I’ve genuinely never seen him that… that…” She waved her hands, not having a word for it.

Kia could only choke back a sob.

“Sorry.” Emily muttered.

“Does… does everyone know?” Her voice cracking as she asked. She hadn’t even considered. That was the other thing she missed, so badly now. The anonymity. She wanted to sink back into a crowd, be just another face, no one looking at her fuck up with pity, concern or curiosity. She wouldn’t be gossip, there.

An awkward pause.

“More or less.” They admitted. “At first they just knew it was someone, but… well… process of elimination. Who does Shane even talk to? Then no one saw you for days! We were… really worried. I was going to come find you tomorrow.” Emily took her hands this time. “But we thought you might want… space?”

“Yeah.” She had. She was grateful to them. But maybe that space wouldn’t be enough. She couldn’t face walking into the bar now, knowing everyone knew. Marnie… wouldn’t tell them anything more, to protect Shane, but how long could you guarantee Shane wouldn’t say something in anger, or…

“He… hasn’t been drinking has he?” She asked, a sudden concern.

“I… don’t think so?” Emily didn’t look sure. “He’s only ordered cola at the bar, but he’s not… been around that much either. You only see him going to work and going home, mostly.”

So there was that at least.

They did their best to reassure her, but what was there really to say now. They couldn’t see what she saw in Shane anyway, and were bad at hiding it, but even if they had wanted to try to help her mend things, there wasn’t really a way to do it. Everything was just… broken now.

Eventually, an awkward silence descended. She drank her tea, but started to feel the weight of their concern and their confusion pressing down on her.

“I… should go. Thanks.” They looked between each other, not knowing what to say.

“Come back. Come see me anytime you need… anything you know?” Emily touching her arm, clearly wanting to say or do something more.

Abigail nodded “or me.”

What could they do?

“Thanks.” Was all she could say.

She slipped out, heading straight home, away from town, away from any chance of seeing the knowing look in someone’s eyes. She couldn’t face it. But the silent, empty crunch of the path home was nearly as bad, forcing her to look inwards.

As far as she could see it, the options left to her were: accept what she’d done, brave the looks, the gossip, try to go back to a normal that didn’t have Shane in it or… or… she could run. She could go back home. She didn’t belong here, did she, really? This was just proof of that. It had been a nice holiday. An escape. But reality had come back to show her this wasn’t who she was. She should have seen it sooner, really.

After that, there wasn’t a decision left to make. She was going home.

Packing didn’t take long. What did she have that she wanted to keep anyway? She couldn’t bear to tell her friends in person, so she just sent them each a note, knowing they’d see it in the morning. Maybe they’d come to see her off at the bus stop. Maybe not. But no time for any notes back, to tell her not to do it. No time to change her mind.

It hurt to write it, but a note to Marnie too. Telling her she was leaving, no more emotion than that, and asking that the animals be taken care of. Not as a favour to her, of course, but to them.

Should she write to Shane too?

She tried to compose the note in her head, but she hadn’t the words for it. There was nothing she could possibly say to him that would be worth saying, or that he’d want to hear. It would be better for him, with her gone, she was sure. Things would quiet down. Gossip would move on. He’d… well… she didn’t know. But better than having her here either way.

She started saying goodbye to the parts of the farm she’d come to love, but couldn’t bear that either, too much sadness. She just posted her notes, one by one, and sat on the floor by the fire. Her few things already packed in her bag. The rest, anything valuable or useful, left with the house for whoever might come after to find. Just taking her money, her clothes and… oh.  
She hadn’t even noticed that she’d done it, but the bouquet was in her bag too. She couldn’t throw it away. But nor could she leave it behind. She shut her bag and just refused to think about it.

Sleep was fitful and brief.

She fed the animals first thing in the morning, quick and businesslike, not bothering to fuss them as she normally would. She put water in Perkins’ bowl, glad not to be able to see him. Saying goodbye would be… so hard.

And then she made her way to the bus stop, bag in hand, no plan for where she’d go or who she’d see when she got home, just… wanting to be away.

Emily and Abigail, and Haley too, were waiting for her there.

It was too much. She cried. They hugged. They cried. They didn’t try to stop her, but it was almost enough to see their tears and know she’d be missed. They had to leave before she did, work to do, but it was obvious to see they’d have waved her off if there’d even been the slightest chance.

And so, alone, she waited in the dappled sun.

***

Another morning in Marnie’s house of stony silence and awkwardness. It didn’t matter that she’d told him he’d done right, didn’t matter that what had happened had seemed to prove her point, Shane still would barely speak to her. Wrapped up in his own despair again. He’d come around, eventually. Surely he would.

Notes, all for her, as usual. Recipe, recipe, joke from Caroline, plans with Lewis… oh. Oh. That was… something. Maybe… maybe this would help shake him out of it. Start the road back to some sort of normal.

“Shane…” he looked up at her this time at least, not used to that gentleness of tone.

“What.”

She just passed him the note, not sure she could keep her tone even enough not to set him off.

He took it, baffled, and she watched his face as he read. He tried to keep it in, she could see. Tried to keep a calm front, but he was hurting.

She felt… guilty. She wasn’t quite sure that anything she’d done, any step she’d taken was wrong. She still couldn’t see why Kia would have pushed him away if she hadn’t been everything Marnie had thought she was. But still. If not for her, Shane wouldn’t be hurting.

But what could she do about it?

Besides, with Kia gone, time would fix it. Yes. She consoled herself with that. He’d move on, eventually, as he had before.

“I suppose I’ll need to go over there this afternoon, fetch them all.”

Silence.

“I’ll need your help, Shane.”

Still silence.

“She’ll be gone, you won’t need to see her.” She was trying to be soothing, trying to help, but he just put his head in his hands, sighing.

“I can’t do it all on my own, can I now? Will you come?”

Still nothing.

She went to pull the note out of his hand, to put it with the rest, but he wouldn’t let go, crumpled it into his hand and stood up.

“I’m going out.”

Oh. Oh dear.

“Shane no. Let her go if that’s what she wants to do. It’ll be better this way, you’ll see.”

He ignored her, stamping off into his room, grabbing shoes, looking at the clock to see if he still had the time.

“You’ll be late for work!” Surely that at least…

“Fuck work.”

“Shane! Language!” But he was already out of the door and gone.

He took the path up through the farm, saw that things had been tidied up, made ready for someone else to come. The chickens weren’t loud enough to hear, so presumably they’d at least been fed. She was always careful of the animals, he knew. One of the things he’d lo-… liked about her so much. God it still hurt.

As he got to the farmhouse, he could see the door was slightly ajar, shut in haste by someone not caring if they’d be coming back. He stuck his head inside, just in case, but she wasn’t there.

He saw his note, still stuck to the inside of the door. It hurt so much. Why wouldn’t she have taken it down?

Perkins rubbed up against his legs, clearly happy for some company. He fussed him unthinkingly, head elsewhere.

Fuck it.

He still had time, just, if he ran.

He made it to the bus stop, hideously out of breath, so unfit, how had he come to that? At first he thought he’d been wrong. The bus was still there, and no sign of her- ah. There. Under the tree. She hadn’t seen him yet. But he only had a few moments.

What did he even want? He wasn’t sure.

“Kia…” he hated how he sounded, so uncaring, so cold. It wasn’t how he felt at all.

She started, turned round to him, and he could see she’d been crying. She looked thinner too, pale and haunted. Not the face of someone who didn’t care… surely?

She stood, but could bring herself to look him in the eye. Held her arms around herself and looked at her feet instead. Didn’t speak to him.

“Kia… you’re… really leaving?”

“Yeah. You… were right.” She sighed. “I don’t fit in here. I should have realised that. I’m going back to the… back home. It’s like you said. I can be a fuck up with the other fuck ups. Won’t stand out.” He noticed she’d dressed in the same clothes she’d worn to come to the game with him. Her hair was different too. She already looked like she’d gone. “I know how things work back there. I may not… it may not be as nice as here, but I won’t ruin things for anyone else, and I’ll… know what I’m doing. It’ll be easier.”

The bus driver finished his cigarette, headed back towards the door.

“You coming, kid?” Not a patient man.

“Sure…” She turned to go, but he caught her hand. “Shane. Please. Just let me go… I’m… sorry.”

“No… you can’t…”

“I can’t stay. Everyone… looking at me. Knowing. There’s no hiding. There’s no… I can’t face it. I can’t… I’m so sorry Shane. I never wanted to hurt you, you know that? I wasn’t lying when I said you meant something to me. I just… this isn’t how… I thought my life would go.” She was crying again. God he was making this so hard. What did he want her to say?

“Come on, on the bus now or not at all, we have a schedule to stick to.”

She pulled her hand away, and he grabbed after her, missed, pulled open her bag instead. A few things fell out. Clothes, a brush. The bouquet. Oh.

Had he been that wrong about this too?

She scrabbled to pick her stuff up, shove it away, the bus driver huffing at her, and at him.

Time to make a decision.

“Can I come with you?”

She stopped, looked at him, baffled.

“What?”

“You can’t stay here, you can’t be you here… so can I come with you?” What would that even mean? He had nowhere to stay, no job. It was stupid. He knew it.

“Shane, no. This is your home. Stay… stay with Marnie, and with Jas. You couldn’t leave them, surely?”

He didn’t have a chance to answer, the driver had given up, shut the door and was already pulling away.

“Wait! No… fuck…” She collapsed down to sit on the grass. “Shit.”

He sat down next to her.

“What the fuck am I gonna do now? The next one’s not for… 6 hours…”

“Stay…”

“Shane, I can’t. I’ve fucked it all up. And I’m not like you. I’m not brave enough to keep going back, knowing everyone knows. I’m not… I don’t belong here. I should have realised. I’m sorry it took… it took hurting you to make me see it. I didn’t want that.”

She finally looked at him, properly.

“Please, I know you didn’t believe me then, but please… trust me now. It wasn’t nothing. I just… you gave me no time… to make a decision that changed… everything.”

He realised that now. He’d had all day thinking about it, weighing it up, and he’d asked her to do the same in moments. Put her on the spot, needed her to be ready to have the same feelings he did, have thought about them enough to put them in the light, to share them. He’d got used to assuming she was brave, that she was reckless and silly and willing to throw herself into life, but he’d forgotten that this wasn’t the life she knew as well as he did. He’d not let her have a chance to be uncertain, the way she’d let him have so many of his own insecurities.

“I know. And I’m sorry for that. I… wasn’t thinking properly.” He sighed. “If you can’t stay, you can’t. I won’t make you. I know it hurts to be so… obvious. But… if you wanted to stay. If you wanted time to think about it. I can give you time. I can wait, if you want me to. But if you want to go… if you really want to… I’d come with you, if you’d have me. I’d figure something out.”

She sighed, arms wrapped around her knees. He put an arm around her. There was no one to see, and this mattered more. She only hesitated a moment before leaning into him. He’d missed this.

“Shane?”

“Mm?”

“Did you mean it?”

“Mean what?” But he knew.

“What you said… before? When you came… back? When you said you… you lo-“

He couldn’t bear to hear her say it out loud. “Yes. I did. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t… it should have been some other time. Not just trying to… trying to…”

“It doesn’t matter.” Oh. The sadness and despair welled up inside him. “I mean. It doesn’t matter when you said it. I’ve… had time to think. So much time, since then.”

Silence, tense, painful silence, hoping.

“I love you too, Shane.” The joy inside him was painful. He wanted to kiss her, so badly it ached. Wanted to hold her. But no… not now. “That is… if you’ll still…”

“Yeah. Of course. Of course.”

She sighed, pulled away from him, unzipping her bag. She carefully took out the bouquet, still nearly as perfect as the day he’d bought it. Obviously stored carefully. She looked at it thoughtfully for a few moments, holding it like a strange artefact, unsure of its purpose.

“Is there something I’m supposed to do… or to say?”

“Wha… why?” What had changed?

“You came back. You don’t… hate me. You were right… you put your trust in me… so many times. Maybe… maybe I need to trust you too.”

“You don’t have to. It doesn’t have to be now. You can have all the time to think if you want it.”

She smiled, still wan, still drained, but a little of what had been there before returning. “I’ve done plenty of thinking and… I missed you. So hard it hurt. I cried… so much. I could run away again, knowing you hated me. But you… you’d be willing to come with me? I… hadn’t even thought…” she was crying silently, but smiling too. “I don’t need time to think. I just need to… to trust you. So what do I do?”  
He stood up, pulled her to her feet with him. Looked down at her, trying to fix her face in this moment in his memory forever.

“Just… accept it.”

“Oh… I accept? Is that… will that do?”

He tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear. Kissed her gently. “Yeah, that’ll do.”

“I thought you weren’t supposed to do that?” Laughing but unsure, she was hesitating, not knowing the rules. Wanting to kiss him back.

“No. I’m not. But… I wanted to. Just… just for now. While no one can see.”

“Oh… well then.” She kissed him back, arms thrown around his neck. “Best make it worthwhile.”

He held her, close to him, hands on her waist, for as long as he could, kissing and kissing, but eventually they broke apart. Things that had to be done.

“You’ll need to tell Marnie not to take the animals…”

“Oh… yeah. Uh…”

“I can do it.” He wasn’t sure what Marnie would do with this news, but it would come better from him.

“I need to tell my friends, too. They came… to say goodbye, but then they had to go to work, so-“

“Work! Shit.” He’d entirely forgotten. He’d be so late now. “What time even is it?”

“Oh… it’s… it’s nearly 12.”

“Shit. Fuck. Well.” He ran a hand through his hair, thinking. “Too late to do anything now. I guess I’ll just have to explain tomorrow. See if they’ll still keep me on, I guess?” Who even knew, with Morris. Although right now, he found he didn’t care all that much. Maybe he could do something else, even. Chickens, maybe?

“Sorry…” she still looked so fragile.

“Not you. It doesn’t matter really. It’s just a job.” Weird to think he actually believed that, right now. “Come on. I’ll go talk to Marnie. You need to get back, remind Perkins you exist. Get… unpacked.” He picked up her bag to pass to her. “Was this really all you were taking?”

“I… didn’t know where I’d be staying. If I’d be sleeping on someone’s couch, a friend’s spare room. I couldn’t take too much with me, just in case.” He hadn’t realised she’d had that little plan.

“Still.”

They headed back.


	9. Chapter 9

Marnie took it better than he expected. It was still drama, still gossip, still something people would be talking about, about him, but it wasn’t scandalous anymore. It wasn’t wrong. She could live with that. She even admitted that Kia might – only might – be allowed to pop in from time to time, if she needed to buy something. For the animals. He suspected she’d need to be visiting more often, if they were going to spend any time together at all. And he could tell Marnie would come around, in the end. She’d felt guilty, he thought, in her own way.

Unsure what to do with himself, he found his feet walking him to the saloon in the evening, opening the door before he even really thought about what it might mean.

All eyes on him as he went in, expecting… well. He really had been in a terrible mood, he supposed. He’d been ruder than any of them deserved. Maybe an evening for sitting very quietly in a corner then.  
He sat in his usual spot, already regretting this. Already hating the way people looked at him, that same pity and uncertainty he’d had when he first came here.

“Cola?” Oh. Emily. He should probably say something.

“Thanks. Uh, wait.” She’d already been turning to go. “Kia…”

“What about her?” A sudden coldness unusual for someone so nice.

“She’s… she’s not left. She’s staying.” It still felt so good to say. Unreal.

Emily goggled at him, breaking into a bright grin. “Really? Truly? Oh I’m so glad. What… what happened… wait, did you…?” She couldn’t quite believe it.

“I… went to see her. Before the bus left. I…” Awkward. How did you tell people this? One hand fussing with his hair unconsciously. What were the right words?

But he didn’t need them. Emily could work it out, from the bashfulness and the blush in his cheeks. “Oh she didn’t? Did she?”

A nod.

“Amazing! Oh my god I’m so happy.” She was bouncing. “I can’t believe… you… she’s a mad thing, truly. No taste at all. But I’m so glad you did it.” She leaned over the bar and hugged him. That was a first. “Gus! Gus, sorry, I’ll be back in a minute, I just have to go tell Abigail!”

“What. We have customers!”

“I’ll be back in a minute, promise. But Kia’s staying. Shane’s fixed things with her. They’re together!” She rushed off before he had a chance to stop her.

And everyone had heard. Everyone was looking at him. Shit.

He could feel himself going brighter and brighter red. This was worse than being the centre of bad news. Then they at least pretended to ignore you. God, what if someone wanted to come and talk to him? No. Too much.

He made a hasty retreat, heading out before even Abigail could come through to the bar to thank him too.

***

The farm again. Hers again. She spent the evening touching the parts of it she’d already started to miss. Cuddling Perkins until he swatted at her face with a warning paw. Spending time with the chickens, the rabbits, the ducks, the goats. Hers. Her place. She was glad to keep it.

She still wasn’t totally sure of her choice. Could still see the appeal of running back, never having to look any of them in the eye. Not having her life so… known. But no. She’d agreed to trust in Shane, and that’s what she was going to do. That was worth holding onto. Pushing through everything else. She could make it work. She’d try.

***  
Notes, in the morning. Four of them.

One from Emily, ecstatic she was still here. Baffled at her taste in men, but glad nonetheless. Instruction to come visit her immediately.

Another from Abigail, similar but gentler. Reminding her she could talk to her whenever she needed.

One from Marnie, brisk, businesslike, advising the shop would be open to her if she needed. But not too often.

And… one from Shane.

_Dear Kia,  
I’m sure this isn’t the only note you’ll get this morning. I’m sorry. I told Emily yesterday what happened… more or less… I thought she deserved to know her friend would still be here, and well. She isn’t a quiet person. Everyone knows now. I hope that’s ok.  
I saw the note Marnie was writing for you. She hasn’t said so there, but she’d like you to come here reasonably often, I think. I’d like you to, too, if you can bear it. It means I can see you. In a way she approves of. And I want to see you. I’m sorry, but I already miss you. I didn’t say it yesterday… I’m not good at saying things… but I missed you so much. Please, if you can, come visit. Come on Saturday?  
And thank you.  
Love,  
Shane_

That one she read several times. Held it close. Put it away somewhere safe, along with the note from the door, to be cherished.

But not now. There was work to be doing, as ever. Animals to feed, crops to weed. And when that was done, friends to see. She figured she’d get the hardest part done soonest, and headed into town that afternoon to Emily’s house.

Abigail was already there, like she so often was, with Haley the unspoken chaperone in the background. They were both delighted to see her, and hugged her even harder than when she’d been about to leave. There was tea, and biscuits, and a lot of general chit chat and excitement, before Emily couldn’t contain herself anymore.

“So…” she waggled her eyebrows, voice conspiratorial. “You and Shane, huh?”

“Yeah…” she’d never been so awkward about anything like this in her life. Old friends, old her, would share the most intimate details like it was nothing at all. Laugh about it even. But here, she was shy just to be dating at all. Such a strange place. It was a good shyness though, holding good news close to her.

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m so glad you’re staying. We were going to miss you so much, but-“

“Emily…” Abigail already rolling her eyes.

“Why Shane? Why on earth him, of all people? Why not… literally anyone else here? Sam or Sebastian or Alex…” A noise of protest from Haley. “Ok, not Alex. Or Clint. Or Harvey. Or Elliott. Or anyone. Marlon even!” She was laughing as she said it, but serious at the same time.

“He’s… sweet.”

They just goggled at her.

“Not most of the time, admittedly. But sometimes, and more to me than anyone else. And he’s fun. And funny. And… cute…” God she was blushing. What was this.

“So baffling. Must be a city people thing. Having no taste.”

“Also surely Sebastian is about 12?” She genuinely had no idea, now she thought about it. She’d never considered most of the men here in that light. “I genuinely have no idea how old most of them are, but I am pretty sure they’re all too young for me.”

“Elliott’s 30!”

“Ok, but Elliott is… Elliott. He cares more about his hair than anyone else nearby. Also I’d probably have to read his manuscripts.” They all nodded. A terrible fate.

“It’s fine… I’m happy.” Or she could be. Close enough.

But it was enough for them. They beamed at her, and then fell back into their normal chatter. She felt mended, felt eased. She’d have missed them too, if she’d gone. Have missed their lightness and happiness. And they were, more or less, accepting the choice she’d made. She could do this.

Eventually, evening crept in, and Emily had work to do. Kia joined her heading for the bar, glad to have company to face whatever questions or looks met her in the saloon. She did her usual hellos, and some people did have something to say, but not all, and with most it was just a smile, a knowing look or nod, and she realised the expectation of it had been far worse than the reality.

She breathed a sigh of relief, and sat at the end while Emily brought her a drink. Beer, a new one, light a fresh. She was digging into her pizza when there was a cough behind her.

“Hi Shane.” She didn’t even need to look.

“Hey. Sorry. I wanted… to see you.” But she was grinning, so glad he was here.

“’s fine. I assume this is public enough?” She still genuinely wasn’t sure what the rules were.

“Oh. Yeah. This is fine. Well, unless you do anything… y’know.”

“Don’t tempt me.” He blushed.

“Want a drink?” She lifted her glass as a gesture, not really thinking about what was in it.

“Yeah… just… cola thanks.”

“Sorry. I can… not drink if that would be easier?” She’d never been sure if that’s what he’d wanted. It wouldn’t be so hard not to, if it helped.

“No, it’s fine. If I couldn’t deal, I wouldn’t be here. Besides,” he sighed, “I’ve not actually wanted one since… well for months. It’s getting easier.”

She was glad. Had been worried that she’d have turned him back to it, wrong to think him so weak.

They enjoyed their drinks and their chat for a while, slipping back into old routines. But there was that unspoken something else too, a warmth between them. For all she regretted that she couldn’t touch him, couldn’t kiss him, the feeling of knowing how he felt about her… balanced things out more than a bit. Especially knowing she felt it in return.

“So uh… did you get my note?” Still bashful though, still awkward.

“Yeah. I’ll come on Saturday. Will… how bad will it be?” She was scared to face Marnie, when they weren’t in a crowded bar. Determined to prove herself worthy, now.

“I don’t know, honestly. I’ve never done this before.” She forgot this was new ground for him too. “But I’ll be there too. It won’t be so bad. And maybe… the more she sees us behaving properly, the more she’ll trust us, and eventually she might let us have some time to ourselves. Not… enough licence for anything too terrible, but it’ll get better, I’m sure. She’s obviously not totally against being alone with a man.” True enough. Something to hope for. “Although I’d say Lewis is possibly less of a risk of scandal than I am, in her eyes.”

She reached down and squeezed his hand under the table, surely that was allowed.

“I’m sure it’ll be fine.”

***

It was awkward as fuck. Nothing bad was said, but there was an air of disapproval all over everything Marnie said and did. Jas was thankfully oblivious to it, but was baffled why their normal seats had been moved around, putting Shane and Kia at opposite sides of the table. Too young to understand yet what was being prevented.

After dinner, they sat in the living room, Jas off to play in her room alone, and Marnie broke the silence to ask the awkward questions.

“So. You’re going to behave yourselves?”

They both squirmed, feeling like teenagers under scrutiny.

“Yes. Marn, please, I already said-“

“Pardon me if I don’t believe you, Shane, in this particular instance.” He winced. She looked at Kia.

“I will. We’ll do it properly.” A fixed stare on her, assessing.

“Hmmmm. You will if you really care about him. Do you?”

“Marn, no!”

“I do, I promise. I love him.” Shane coughed into his drink. Not used to hearing it.

“Well and good. You’re both too old for this sort of nonsense besides. Ought to have been married years since!”

“MARNIE!” Shane was really struggling. “You’re one to talk, surely?”

“Me? I’ve been looking after wayward children, haven’t I? No time for romance for the likes of me.” She tutted, shaking her head. “One day, maybe.” So wistful. “But I’ll be keeping an eye on the both of you, you know. Any nonsense, any hint of it, and you’ll hear about it.”

They both nodded, naughty children caught with a hand in the biscuit jar.

“Well and good, then. Now, it’s getting late, time for Kia to be going.”

“Wait, what?” It was only 8, Shane protested.

“I’ve got other stuff to be doing than watching the pair of you, and you need watching. She’s welcome back any time I’m here with you, from now on. But not aside from then.” She sounded like she was conceding something huge.

“Jesus… can I at least wish her goodnight without you hovering over me? Walk her home?”

“Yes to the first, no to the second. I expect to hear the door shutting within five minutes.” She left, heading into her room but not fully closing her own door. Privacy had a limit, then.

Shane was shaking his head, but didn’t waste the time. As she headed for the door, he grabbed her, finger to his lips, and held her close. They kissed, as silently as they could.

“I don’t hear goodbyes!” A shout from Marnie’s room.

They both laughed, but couldn’t quite pull apart from one another.

“I’m sorry about her,” Shane muttered, too low for his aunt to hear, “but it will get better, I’m sure. And if I keep asking for something more than she’ll give… I’ll get a concession on something like this.” 

He kissed her again, long and deep. 

“Time’s up!”

One last kiss, on the forehead. “Goodnight.” He smiled. “And… it was lovely to hear you say it. In front of… someone else too.”

“I meant it.”

She made to leave, but he caught her hand again, leaned in close.

“One… last thing. Remember that note… the one you sent back when…”

“Yeah?”

“Well… she wouldn’t know about that, would she?”

A sly smile.

“Goodnight Shane.”

She headed out into the gloom, full of the prospect of things.


	10. Chapter 10

Notes there were, sparing at first but more as they both began to miss what they’d had. Some talking about want, about what they could do, but most about what had already happened. Reliving good memories between them, at least until they ran out, and had to create again.

Kia began to worry that Marnie would never lift her scrutiny on them, but as it happened, there was soon news that distracted everyone, at least a little.

A different note in her mailbox one morning, and everyone else’s, unknown to her. An announcement. A wedding! Emily and Abigail, and only two days away. Was that normal here? She hurried into town after her chores to celebrate with them, and to find out.

She went to Emily, found her busy sewing, a beautiful dress of mostly a silvery white, small hints of purple and blue here and there, a tribute to both of them.

“Oh yeah,” she said, not giving Kia her full attention, intent on her machine, “once you’re going to do it, why wait? Three days from the proposal is what everyone does. You’ll come, right?” She paused to look up. “It’ll be in the morning, but the hens can surely wait a little while?”

“Of course. I’ll feed them extra the night before. I wouldn’t miss it.”

Emily beamed, going back to her sewing. “Do you have something nice to wear? Doesn’t have to be fancy but it would be lovely to see you in something other than dungarees. And lovely maybe for someone else to see it…” Of course, Emily didn’t know Shane had seen her in… well. But she mistook the flush for excitement. “Exactly. You should wear something pretty.”

“I don’t… I don’t think I have any dresses with me.”

She reached the end of a seam, pins in mouth, and paused thoughtfully. “One sec.” Hurried off into the other room. Came back with an arm full of colours. “We’re about the same size, right?”

“Yeah…”

“Well have a rummage through these, find something you like, and we can take it in to fit you if you want.”

“I don’t want to stop you sewing this…”

“Oh don’t worry, I’m nearly done. The rest is hand stitching and I’ll do that tonight.” She grinned again. “And besides, I want you to look your best too. I want to remember everyone there, happy and glowing and oh I can’t WAIT!”

Who was she to get in the way of her friend’s excitement? She rummaged through the pile. She didn’t even know what she wore, anymore. None of this was anything she’d have picked before, but then again, did she even want that? She supposed not.

After a trying a few on, Emily, far more than her, made the decision. A dress the colours of autumn, wide across the neck and down to just above the knee – she was taller than her friend, after all – and easy to take in a little in the bust and waist.

The person she saw wearing it in the mirror was new to her, but not unwanted. Not unpleasant. A pair of simple but pretty sandals to match were even borrowed from Haley (with her grudging blessing).

“Now, you just need to do something with your hair, of course.” Emily had it out of its normal plait before she could even consider it. “Oh my god there’s so MUCH of it. Why don’t you ever wear it down? It’s lovely! I wish I had hair like this.” Meanwhile Kia had often been envious of Emily’s blue. “I think if we just pin this back here… and this… that’s all you really need. You don’t want to hide it, do you?” She taken just the front section on either side, twisted them, and held them in the middle at the back. Simple, but framing her face. Definitely a different person. A simpler one, someone with no need to dress up much. She liked it, she admitted.

Again, the happy beam from Emily.

“I can’t wait to see you then. And Abigail! I want to know what she’ll pick to wear. I’m sure she’ll be beautiful!” Kia could believe it. Abigail wore everything well.

A question, one that she felt she could ask a friend. Nosy but, well, she was an outsider.

“Emily?”

“Yeah?”

“What happens after you get married?” She flapped her hands a little forestall the embarrassment on her friend’s face. “No, I mean… where are you going to live? Will you stay here… or?”

“Oh, I see. Sorry. No, no we’re moving in together. Robin’s built – well, is building, but she’ll be done tomorrow – a new house for us. It’s going to be small, like your farm, but cosy. And we’ll make it nice. And we can improve it later, add stuff as we need to. It’s just down the road, next to Jodi.” She sighed happily, looking forward to it. “Oh and of course you’ll still be welcome. You can come and use my sewing machine there too. You’ll have to come visit as soon as we’ve got it all tidy and nice!”

Emily carried on, talking about what she wanted in her own home, how she’d be able to keep it really, properly clean, not like here (Haley rolled her eyes).

She eventually headed out into the dusk alone, her friend staying in to finish her sewing, a few days being granted off work, given the circumstances.

She didn’t manage to find Abigail at the bar – no doubt making her own preparations – nor Shane either. Ah well. An early night then.

More change, she thought, as she headed home. But found herself more comfortable with this one, more settled. She’d seen her friends were still her friends, still cared about her even with each other. She could trust they’d be just as good to her married as dating. Trust. Yes, she needed to keep giving it. And she found she could, more easily, now.

***

The next day, a visit to Marnie’s in the evening, and Marnie herself beside herself with the preparations. She was providing a lot of the food for the wedding, and wouldn’t let anyone else get in her way. Despairing of their presence in her kitchen, she eventually banished Shane and Kia to his room (the living room overtaken with boxes as it was) with firm instruction to leave the door open, and no nonsense. But she paid them no attention, her focus entirely on celebration and food.

So they sat together, on his bed, once Shane had awkwardly tidied some things away, made the room just a little more presentable.

“I’ve seen your pants before, Shane, you don’t need to hide them…” she was laughing at him, comfortable.

“Ssssssh! Don’t let her hear.” But Marnie was humming to herself, oblivious.

She leaned into him, enjoying the brief moment of closeness unchecked. He wrapped his arms around her, kissed the top of her head, one hand stroking the back of her neck. Contentment.

“Can I stay for a bit, as she’s distracted?”

“Mmmm.” He kissed her again. “Yeah. I think she won’t notice. I’d like that.”

She flopped backwards on his bed, making herself comfortable against the pillow. He settled against her, pressed up against the wall, little space in here for separation. Oh well.

She found herself examining his room, not really having seen it for any time before. Noting the books he had, the ones that looked read and the ones that didn’t. The game, the magazines, the mess. It felt lived in, for sure, but clearly full of his personality.

He squirmed though. “Sorry, it’s a total pit. I know yours is tidier… I’m just… not very good at that.” He shrugged. “Marnie tries to get me to do it but it never seems worth the bother.”

But she’d been distracted, looking at his bedside table.

“I recognise these…” She pulled a pile of cards out from under an open book. “You keep them on the bedside table do you, hm?” She held them out as he tried to snatch them away. “Bedtime reading maybe?” She pushed him back, looked at the one on the top of the pile. “Is this a favourite, then? Something I should remember for future?” A future where they could be… like that again. A long way off, but still. Nice to imagine.

“Get oooofff.” He finally reached over her, trying desperately to be quiet, and snatched them back. “Not fair.” He stuffed the cards down the side of the bed, under the mattress where she couldn’t reach. “Especially not while you’re in my bed. It’s bad enough as it is.”

“Sorry, I’ll be good.” She settled back, just lying next to him, trying not to imagine what she’d written. But when he lay down next to her, one arm rested across her stomach, and a finger trailed into the gap at the side of her dungarees, finding a bare patch of skin. “Now who’s not playing fair?” It was extremely distracting, after a gap of good behaviour.

But he didn’t apologise, and didn’t stop. He was frowning, instead, clearly thinking to himself. And then grinning.

“What?”

“I have an idea…”

She raised an eyebrow.

“It involves me sneaking out…”

“I thought… I thought you wanted me to follow the rules?” She was confused now. Hadn’t that been what this is all about.

“No, that’s what Marnie wants. I just… I want to keep her happy. But… it’s not like no one here has ever snuck out in the night. And she won’t know it’s anything… y’know. It’s just… been a while…” Ah. So it wasn’t the brain doing the thinking then.

“I’m not… sure that’s a good idea.” Although she had to admit she wanted it. “Won’t she suspect something if we leave together?”

“We won’t. You leave to go home. I stay here. I leave a little bit later to go to the bar or for a walk or… something. I do it a lot anyway, when you’re not around. Not unusual.” He’d clearly settled on wanting this. Decided it was a good idea.

“Shane… are you sure about this? I don’t want you to be in trouble again… I don’t want to be…”

“I won’t be. Honest. And I’ll be back before she goes to bed, I’m sure. And if not, well, that’s not unusual either.”

It really was very tempting. She wasn’t good at this at all. Willpower happened to other people, especially ones not being lured by someone running a gentle finger on the skin of their hip. Or kissing their neck, behind their ear. Goddamnit.

“You’re sure it won’t be a problem?” He could tell she was giving in, kissed her more emphatically, on her collarbone now.

“You go ahead, wait for me. In the woods, where… you know. If I think she even slightly suspects something, I won’t come. Wait half an hour for me, 45 minutes tops, and if I’m not there, I’ve been cautious, and that’s that. Ok? Please? I know I shouldn’t, but I want you…”

What could she say to that?

“Fine. I’ll head off now.” That bit said louder, not that Marnie was even listening. “Goodnight, Shane!”.

“Goodnight.” He was grinning now.

She headed through to the kitchen, put her boots on.

“Night Marnie, I’m heading home now.”

“Mmhm.”

“See you tomorrow.”

“Sure.” She really was paying absolutely no attention. Maybe it would all be fine.

She headed out the door, initially making as if to go home, and turned off just at the fence, to head to the woods. In the times she’d been here since that first time, she’d sometimes have to clear out slimes beforehand, so she did a careful sweep, sword out from her pack, before she settled down to wait next to the water. It was warmer now, summer in full swing, the air hazy with the sound of crickets, no fear of chill even in the shadow of the trees. The water was barely moving, the only sounds the occasionally surfacing fish or a rustle of a frog in the reeds.

It was so lovely here, so peaceful, and it held good memories, calming her worry about the evening. Trust, she reminded herself. She was doing that. It was working.

But it was a long wait in the moonlight, alone. She realised she had no way of telling the time here, no way of knowing if she’d waited too long, so she got to counting the stars overhead to pass the minutes, saying that when she’d counted all the ones she could see in the gap of the trees, she’d have waited long enough. It was a bright, cloudless night. She’d not even done a quarter when she heard gentle footsteps.

“Hey,” he was still grinning. “You waited. I thought you might have… changed your mind.” Why was he still so unsure of her?

“Nope, I’m here. How could I resist?”

She stood, moving over to him, already wanting to touch him, feel him against her. How long had it been now? Only weeks, but too long.

“I’m still surprised to think you want me…” the same self doubt again, always coming back. Maybe one day he’d believe her, properly. “I’m still surprised you keep coming back.”

She tried to convince him by kissing him, leaning upwards on her toes to press fiercely against him. His hands were already on her hips, moving down, pulling her against him. She considered jumping up, wrapping her legs around him, but didn’t know if he could hold her. Decided it didn’t matter, there was soft grass and no one to see or hear.

He caught her, surprised, but didn’t seem to struggle. His hands felt secure under her thighs.

He carried her over, set her down amid the long, soft grass, hands already straying to the buckles of her dungarees. They made short work of each other’s clothing, wanting to see, to feel skin and against skin. Despite the rush she felt, the need for him, she went slowly, knowing she’d need to savour this for a long time before another chance might come. She kissed him where he liked it best, collarbone to shoulder, while he ran fingers through her hair. His mouth came down to touch a nipple, warm tongue soft but intent. Kissed her neck, behind her ear, but she moved away, fingers and kisses trailing down his torso and stomach. Tongue running the length of him, erect, then taking just the tip in her mouth. A moan. Lips closing, tongue gently feeling the very end, taking more of him in, finding a rhythm, feeling his hand come to her hair, guiding her.

She pulled away soon though, not wanting it to be over so quickly, not wanting to give him the satisfaction. But he stood, followed her, held her to him, his front to her back. One hand on breast, the other questing downwards, slow, painfully slow, until he touched her, and she unthinkingly leaned backwards, rubbing into his pelvis. She could feel him against her, hard and needing, but he kept on, bringing her close.

One hand crept back, lower, down inside her, feeling where she was, how wet she was. She mmmed into it.

“Can we?” he was breathy, only asking in brief words but she didn’t know what he wanted.

“Mm?”

“Can we…” he asked again, bending her forward slightly, and she understood. Went down on her knees, bending forward for him. He slipped inside her, hand guiding himself in between her lips, slowly. One hand held her at the crease between leg and stomach, guiding the rhythm, but the other slipped again to the front, to touch her clit, moving to the same beat as each thrust, gentle at first then firmer, as she urged him on. Her hands clutched the grass, elbows to the ground, biting her lip to keep herself quiet. 

Too soon, not soon enough, she felt it all build inside of her, felt herself climaxing, heard herself moaning gently, and him just behind, a shudder against her hips from his hand as she felt the wash of feeling inside her. Let it keep going for as long as she could hold it, let him keep touching her until it faded completely.

They both lay down in the grass, her head on the join between shoulder and arm, one leg hooked over his.

He kissed the top of her head, still breathing hard, hand coming round to hold her back, trace small patterns against her spine. She matched them with a finger on his stomach, tracing round his belly button.

“I love you…” he murmured, soft against her head. A surge in her stomach to hear it again. The first time he’d said it since… well.

“I love you too.” And he squeezed her slightly as she said it, affection clear.

It was all that needed saying, for a long time. They lay there, stirred only by the summer breeze, while the crickets continued to chirp.

After a while, she rolled over, leaning head on hands, elbows on the ground, to look at his face, feet kicking the air.

“What?” He smiled at her, leaning up a little to watch her back.

“A question for you.” She was smiling, impish. Teasing.

“Go on…”

“What do you like it best for me to do?”

“Hm?”

“You know…” a hand briefly trailing down, just enough to hint at meaning.

“Oh…” awkward silence. She waited.

“I can hear you blushing, Shane.”

He laughed.

“Fine, fine. Let me think.” She waited some more, carrying on tracing curled patterns on his chest now. “I like…” he gulped, not used to saying things like this aloud. “I like having you on top of me. Being able to see you.”

“Like this?” She straddled him, leaning her weight on his thighs.

“Yeah… yeah…”

She rolled off, over to the other side of him, cuddled herself up close.

“Good to know.”

“Not… not that you’ll need that information for… for a long time.” A sigh, from both of them. “I’m glad we could do this, though. Thank you. I’ve missed… not just… y’know… but just, being able to do this.” He held her close. Kissed her.

“Yeah.” She missed it too, the easy frequency of touch. Being able to be held.

“Maybe… we’ll be able to do this again, some time. Not often but… every now and then.”

“Yeah… maybe.” She doubted it. But she could hope.

Time to think about something else.

“Shane?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m going to ask you something, but it’s purely because I’m an ignorant, nosy outsider, right? I am not implying anything, not hinting anything. I just realised I don’t know, and I want to be less clueless, ok?”

“Sure…”

“How do you people get married anyway?”

Even despite her warning, he clearly startled, she could feel it in his arms.

“What did I say?”

“Yeah, yeah, I know, sorry.” He relaxed his shoulders. “But… like normal people. Big ceremony, friends, food, cheering. You may kiss the bride/groom as appropriate. Y’know. Weddings.”

“Sure, but the bit before that. Emily wasn’t wearing a ring, not that I could see.” And she was pretty certain it would have been Abigail doing any proposing.

“Oh, right.” He did a sort of half chuckle. “It’s a bit… weird, I suppose. There’s this guy, on the beach. But he only turns up if it’s raining.”

“You… what?”

“I know, I know. But you have to go find him. And supposedly, I’ve never been, of course, but he’ll either say he thinks you’re not ready, to come back another time, or he’ll say you are, and he’ll give you a pendant. You give that to your person, and that’s… they know what it is. Apparently. I don’t think I’ve ever seen one, so who knows. Maybe everyone’s confused.” He shrugged underneath her. “Did she have a necklace on?”

“Yeah… like… a blue shell?”

“Probably that then.”

She shook her head. “Why can none of this be normal? Would it kill you all to just behave like real people over something, just the once?”

“Don’t include me in this! I didn’t do any of it, did I?” True enough, she supposed. “I’m sorry. Do you… do you still think about going back?” Tense again, as he held her. Not so good at hiding his worries, even still.

“Sometimes.” She had to be honest. “But it wouldn’t be worth it, not really. I’d be leaving too much behind, now.” She got a hug for that, an earnest clutch to his chest, and a kiss again, this time to the forehead.

“I’m glad.” He still worried some mornings there’d be another note, saying she’d gone for good this time, already left and no chance to change her mind. He hated to think of it. Wished he didn’t, could bring himself to believe he was worth staying for.

A deep sigh. “We should go. It must be late. And Emily will kill me if I’m not bright and cheery in the morning, smiling in all the photos.”

“Heh.” No such problem for him, of course. But he let her stand, start hunting for clothing. Did the same, half-hearted, while watching her move in the gloom. She was careless with her nakedness, unconcerned with her body, in a way he’d never been able to be. Even when he’d been fit, been training every day, he’d still worried. Still wanted to be taller, bulkier. Every glance in the mirror a judgment, every move carefully considered and still unsure. She lived in the world unbothered with her space in it, seemingly happy with her changing shape, slipping from curve to thin to muscle as she lived here, skin freckling in the sun. He wished he had her confidence, her comfort. Admired it, just as much as he did the body she wore.

He dragged himself up, dressed quickly, pulling on his shoes as she tidied her hair, pulling away blades of grass. His he just ruffled, until anything that was in there fell out. The benefits of being the town scruff, he supposed. No one had any standards. But she reached over, ran her fingers through it, straightening, until she was content, and gave him another kiss, a long one.

“Come on. We need to get home.” It must be nearly midnight, he supposed. Marnie was probably still up. He’d say he’d been walking in the woods. Not that she’d care.

A silent walk, but she hooked her arm into his for most of it, in the darkness, and he couldn’t help but smile to himself. Wished they could be this comfortable with each other all the time, regardless of who could see. And then time to go. Parting until whenever next time, a distant dream, might be. A brief grip of the hands, and then silently moving away in the darkness.


	11. Chapter 11

The wedding day came. She dressed carefully, did her hair as instructed, even wore a tiny amount of makeup, hoarded and kept in her bag just in case. She tried not to feel uncomfortable in what she was wearing, tried to be this self, at least for the day. By the time she reached the square, she almost felt it.

Chairs had been set up, with a floral arch, waiting for the arrival of the brides. Where to sit? She walked to the back, hovered unsure. A voice behind her.

“Hey, over here.” Shane, properly shaved for once. Hair… combed? He looked different, but not in a bad way. Weird to see him wearing anything but a hoodie. She followed him round to their seats on the side.

“You look… wow…” He grinned sheepishly. “I’ve never seen you in a dress before.”

She shrugged off the compliment, but couldn’t help smiling to herself regardless.

Marnie gave her a look up and down, a nod of approval, before letting her sit on the end seat, beside Shane. Jas fidgety beside him in an overly frilly dress, occasionally hushed by Marnie beside her. Herself, sitting still and quiet, not sure how things would work. It had been a long time since she’d been to a wedding, so long, and for all Shane’s reassurance, she could quite believe there wouldn’t be something weird about it here.

A rough hand, grasping hers, a comforting squeeze. She wanted to rest her head on his shoulder, just for a moment, but not here. She settled for squeezing back, then resting her hands carefully in her lap, the picture of decorum.

“How long, do you think?” Everyone was seated now, it looked like.

He shrugged. “Who knows. Hopefully not too long. I’m hungry…” Some things didn’t change. But in fairness, the smell of the buffet had been enticing as she passed.

As it happened, they didn’t have so long to wait. The brides arrived soon, obviously keen to see one another, and the ceremony was brief and simple. Both looked beautiful, Emily in her silvery dress and Abigail in a darker one, simpler but flattering. Both beaming at each other. Words were said, a kiss exchanged. Photos taken. Everyone gathered, and Kia was pulled right into the centre by a laughing Emily, and found herself grinning too, happy for her friends, throwing confetti with the same abandon as anyone else.

Emily holding her bouquet, keeping looking over her shoulder, catching sight of Kia, clearly keeping track of her. Oh. No, no, none of that. She tossed it high, a good throw too, clearly aiming to have her friend catch it, but Kia side-stepped casually at the last moment – she could see Shane had figured it out too, was laughing at her – and a startled Marnie behind her caught it instead. Emily just laughed. Everything for her was happiness today. Mayor Lewis looked concerned, keeping his distance and heading with undue speed to the buffet.

Everyone with plates piled high. Amazing food. Genial chat. Music in the background somewhere. Robin and Demetrius dancing, others joining in.

She stood next to Shane, just touching arms, slightly.

“Would we be allowed?” she nodded at the dancing, uncertain.

“Doesn’t matter.” He was still eating, she didn’t know how he had the space.

“Hm?”

“I don’t dance.”

She wasn’t sure why that surprised her. Couldn’t imagine it, now she considered.

Her question was answered anyway. Alex and Haley could be spotted, dancing shyly at the back of the group. Elliott asking Leah with a dramatic flourish that had Shane snorting into his food. It didn’t matter that she wasn’t joining in, really, she thought. It was just a lovely day.

A sudden flash of purple and blue beside her.

“Aren’t you going to dance?”

“You should dance! We’re going to!” They were clinging to each other, holding hands, arms, always looking at the other, forever smiling, laughing. She couldn’t imagine being like that, this being the first chance to be so free with another person.

Shane groaned.

But you couldn’t refuse them, and Kia had no will to try. Between the three of them, he was dragged into the ad hoc dancefloor, hands awkwardly around her, moving to… well, some beat… while the two brides dominated attention, giggling and swaying in the centre.

“Can I go now?” The song hadn’t even ended.

“Please… just stay to the end.” She had her hands on his shoulders, could stand close enough to touch, and out, in the air, among people. She wanted to cling to it while it was there. “I like you holding me like this.”

He sighed but didn’t stop, pulled her ever so slightly closer, shaking his head.

“I hate dancing.”

“Yes, I know, and fun too.”

A heh of laughter.

“You do… you look different, today. Lovely,” he hastily added, “don’t get me wrong, you look great. But you kind of don’t look like you. Are you… wearing makeup?” He peered at her face.

It should have made her feel more uncomfortable, even less at ease in her borrowed clothes, but something about him noticing, not preferring it to her normal scruffiness, made her feel more at home. Glad for someone to like the her that lived in dungarees and boots. The her she’d come to like best too.

The song ended. Shane couldn’t be held any longer. She followed him back to Marnie and Jas, not knowing where else to go, her friends very much caught up in each other now. Not the time for a third wheel.

Marnie was still holding the flowers, not sure what to do with them.

“At my age! Of all the nonsense… should have thrown these to someone young and foolish.” And yet she was watching Lewis all the time, almost hopeful. He stayed on the other side of the room, but kept throwing his own glances back, when he thought she wasn’t looking.

It was a lovely day, all told. She spent it being truly happy for her friends, and it passed too quickly, before they waved the brides off into their new home. Everyone began to disperse, and she could only wave forlornly as Shane went on his way back to Marnie’s, and she alone to her farmhouse.

***

Summer turned to Fall. Sunshine to rain, and crisp breezes through crisper leaves. A second year running, second place at the Grange Fair. She swore next year she’d win, make the best damn cheese they’d ever seen. Show a smug Pierre he couldn’t have it all his own way.

Notes were sent, but no opportunities for time alone presented themselves, and she began to feel again the frustration of enforced separation. It was one thing, that first year, to have simply not thought about the absence of touch. To be single, and busy, and thus unconcerned. It was quite another, now, to know something was there, so close for the having, and be forbidden from taking it. She found herself often short tempered, and hated herself for it, but hated the rules that constrained her even more.

Marnie wasn’t helping, a constant hint on her lips that they’d been together long enough now, had they maybe considered, just maybe. The word “marriage” became a harbinger of argument for her. She was never rude, but Marnie just couldn’t see why she didn’t go gooey eyed at the mere thought of it.

“But the _romance_.” She’d say, clearly imagining for herself.

Kia could only see constraint, a hurry that wasn’t needed, if only they saw it didn’t have to be this way. Or maybe that was just Marnie’s doing.  
She spent many evenings thinking about it, alone to herself. It was the logical next step, she knew, from where she was. She’d accepted it, in many ways, when she’d made her decision to stay here. But something held her back from wanting it fully.

But what she did want, especially as the nights grew colder, the days shorter, was time with Shane. To share a bed with him. A night.

And it was this, more than romance, that drove her one rainy day, shaking her head, expecting to be misled, to the far side of the beach, in search of a strange old man. Just going to find him, just to know. And if she did get it from him, well, she didn’t need to give it any time soon. Good just… to know.

Stranger still, she found him. He hardly seemed real, but there he was. She wasn’t sure she dared now, knowing there was actually something to it. But the cold bit into her, the rain driving under her hat, down her collar, and dreams of warmth and comfort with another person were enough to push her on.

She approached him, uncertain what to say.

She didn’t need to say anything, it turned out.

“I’ve got this old amulet to sell…” he held it up, dripping with rain.

“Great, I-“ he didn’t seem to hear her.

“But somethin’ tells me yer not ready for it, miss.”

“Wait, what?” She’d brought herself here, hadn’t she? What did he know about anything. She hadn’t expected some sort of test.

“I only give these ter those who’re ready for what it means. There’s… something there. Yer close. But not ready yet. Come back another day, maybe.” He shrugged.

She tried to talk to him, to argue, but he ignored her from then on, and eventually the rain and cold got under her skin, and she gave up in a huff. There would be other rainy days, she was sure. She could come back.

She made her way to the saloon, in need of warmth, something to distract her from all of this. She didn’t want to think about what he’d meant by “not ready”. She’d made a decision. That was enough. She wanted… oh god she wanted so much. How much more ready could there be?

It was full when she arrived. Bustling and warm. She left her sodden coat on the rack, and found her usual place, a soggy Shane already leaning by the fire.

“You’re wet.” He nodded at her, as she came in.

“So are you.” Though clearly less than her. He must have been drying off in here for a while. “It’s raining, if you hadn’t noticed.”

He nodded, distracted by something.

She got a hot drink, thanks to Emily, and hot food ordered, starting to feel better in herself.

“Spirit’s Eve tomorrow.” Shane, still clearly distracted, but at least talking to her. “You’ll be going again?”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“Am I going to have to rescue you from the maze again?”

“You didn’t resc- oh.” He was grinning at her. That was a thought. If no one else could find the middle… well. “Yeah. Maybe you will, I suppose.”

Something to look forward to at least. She needed it. A respite from Marnie and harvest and constant work. Holding hands under tables wasn’t enough for her, nice as it was, and the thought of something more took hold of her fully.

They talked a little more, but his distraction – she couldn’t tell what by, and he refused to answer – made her grumpier, tireder, than she’d like, so she headed home earlier than usual, just to avoid snapping at someone. At home, though, sleep wouldn’t come. Thoughts of human touch and intimacy taunted her, and the touch of her own hand wasn’t sufficient. She was sick of it. Sick of all of it. Even when she finally did fall asleep, she dreamt of him, but the dream never reached a satisfying conclusion, only hinting. Even her subconscious taunted her.

And so it was, in this state of tiredness and frustration, that she joined the Spirit’s Eve festivities. She made idle conversation, chatted to people, to show her face, prove she was doing what she ought to. Said a brief, casual hello to Shane and to Marnie, even, before joining the other people drifting to the maze.

She made sure to take each turn and corner alone, so as not to be followed to the secret part. Soon, she found herself alone there, along with a golden pumpkin, waiting and hoping she hadn’t misunderstood.

She hadn’t. Not long after, footsteps, and a grinning Shane. Happier than last time he’d been here too.

She nearly threw herself at him, kissing him with a fervour that made him startle in her arms.

“Hey, hey, slow down.” She didn’t want to.

“What, why?”

“Just… wait a minute, ok? I want to talk to you first.” She sat down on the woodchip floor, him beside her. She could be patient. One hand fidgeted with a piece of bark.

“So… I know you’ve not been happy these last few weeks. I know Marnie’s been… Marnie…” Where was this going. “She might have… had only one topic for a while.” True. “I… know you’ve not… been the happiest when she’s brought it up. But… I wanted to ask. Is it just because it’s her doing it, or… is it something else? Is… have I done…?” He couldn’t finish the sentence. Still doubting, then. Just wanting to be reassured once more that she did still like him, want him.

“No… Shane no. I’m not… You’ve not done anything. It’s just… she’s constant about it, that’s all. Nothing to do with you. I like you fine. It’s… Marnie is all.” He nodded, satisfied.

“In which case,” he rolled onto his knees in front of her, fiddling with his pocket. “I have something for you. I… wanted to wait, until I could talk to you alone, to give it to you.” He was still fiddling, but she thought she knew where this was going. She thought back to the Mariner’s words, yesterday, about not being ready. But what did some old man on a beach know? And besides, if Shane had one… clearly he’d been judged ready. Surely that was good enough?

But the box he pulled out of his pocket was too small for that, a different thing altogether.

“I know… I know you know what we do here. I know I told you. But I thought… I thought you might prefer something… “normal”… like you said. I can go. Or you can. The next time it rains. Do it that way. But the symbol’s the same… it’s a gift… with a question in it… and… well… I thought… I thought I was ready to ask it.” He sounded nervous as hell.

She held her breath as he opened the box, a little ring, with a red stone inside. Beautiful. The band carved to look like autumn leaves, the jewel a fruit or berry among them.

It was the sweetest thing anyone had ever done for her. He couldn’t have got it here, must have travelled somewhere else, the city even, to buy it. Must have had to save up for it too.

But it meant he’d not been to the beach either. Hadn’t been told if he was ready or not. What if neither of them were?

“Well?” More nervous now. She’d been silent and staring, open mouthed. What to do, what to do? Did she believe the words of some weird, local ghost man? She’d been learning to fit in, to try to be part of this place, and maybe that was a part of it she needed to accept too. Not just the friendliness, but the kooky and weird too. Maybe she should say no, ask him to wait, she knew he would. Ask to do it the local way.

But he’d gone out of his way… to make her feel comfortable. To do it “normally”. To do something that he knew would make him stand out, be looked at, like he hated being, and he’d done it anyway, for her.

She’d been learning to trust, too. And she decided that was what mattered more, here. She trusted him. Trusted in herself.

“I accept. Of course, you idiot, I accept. Yes.” He kissed her then, open mouthed and hungry. She kissed him back, desperate still for touch and warmth, for release.

But he hesitated, as her hands strayed to his belt. “Maybe… maybe we should wait? It’ll only be a few days now, and then… no more waiting at all.” He was breathless at the thought of it. They could be together, whenever they wanted. Could – would – share a bed, every night. What was a few days compared to that?

“But I want you…” a whisper, as footsteps passed by the other side of the hedge. “I’ve wanted you for days.” She sounded petulant, whiny even. Tried to calm herself. “I can wait if you want… if that’s what you think is best. Of course. But…” she kissed him softly, “I really do want you. Now. More than I ever have before.”

His willpower dissolved. A few brief kisses, and her hands were already fumbling with his belt, slipping him out. The air was too cold for too much skin, but soon her dungarees were discarded, her pants beside them, and she was straddled atop him, his hands on her waist, rocking her onto him. She rolled into each thrust, feeling him deep inside her, feeling his fingers digging into her, trying to make no sound. She came quickly, desperate for it, for him, but kept going, harder and faster, breathless with it, until he came too, biting his lip with the effort of silence.

They both dressed quickly, cautious that someone else might find the centre. Him a little scared by her urgency, her need. But still, before they left, her holding the golden pumpkin from the centre, he kissed her, holding her face in his hand, keeping her close.

They left the maze, a few people congratulating her on the pumpkin, but being mostly ignored. An unspoken agreement between them, Marnie first, to get approval for this unorthodox proposal, before telling anyone else. An unspoken anxiety that she’d somehow object.

But she didn’t. It was, she agreed, a different symbol for the same meaning, after all. They could do as they pleased with local ghosts as and when the time came, but he’d effectively asked, and she’d agreed, and wasn’t this all for the best now, didn’t they see, she’d said it all along. He must have heard Kia grit her teeth, because even as she did so, biting back a sharp reply, she felt a comforting hand squeezing her own.

Somehow, the news passed around everyone quicker than she could imagine.

And then the questions came. Logistics she hadn’t considered. Things she’d not had a chance to discuss with him, and suddenly needed answers. After many polite refusals and deferrals, she managed to grab his arm and pull him aside.

“Why does anyone care how big my house is, exactly?”

“I think they’re just assuming I’ll move in with you.” He’d been assuming it too, he had to admit. Couldn’t see what other way there was. “But we can… discuss it. If you want things to be different?”

“No. No I’d like that.” She would. Him in her bed, every day… every night, even. “But I just… it all feels so invasive. Surely if we’re happy with things, that’s enough? Who else needs to know?”

“It’s just how it is.” Always that answer. Funny him coming to accept it, though. How things had changed.

“What else is just how it is? What… do I have any choices now to make?” She was used to weddings being big, planned affairs. Decisions and choices all the way down. Wasn’t sure if she wanted them or wanted none of them.

“You need a dress… but… other than that. There’s a lot of traditions and just… yeah… how things are done.” He’d not considered beyond the asking, barely daring to hope she’d say yes. “We can do it differently… if you want to?”

She considered it. Properly considered it. Considered the comfort of the familiar. Bringing her family down – they’d never even met Shane, how would that work – but if she was honest, none of that felt meaningful to her. Nor did the traditions here. It was… fluff. She’d get married in her dungarees if that was allowed. The only thing that mattered was the person whose hand she was holding. Sure, her parents wouldn’t be thrilled to learn she’d married without them here. But they knew, from stories of her grandfather, she was sure, or at least her dad did, what it was like here. He’d understand. His occasional letters made it clear her knew she couldn’t just up and visit home anymore.

“No. Let’s… let’s do tradition, then. I’d best go find Emily to ask about a dress…”


	12. Chapter 12

Emily was, of course, keener than Kia was entirely comfortable with to help her make something to wear to her wedding. Her new house was indeed smaller than the old, but it was immaculately tidy, and there was a cosy nook full of sewing gear, ready and waiting for exciting projects just like this one she explained. Her ideas for what she should wear were somewhat grander than Kia would have liked, and eventually she was talked down to something very simple. Despite what she’d said to Shane, she found herself drawn to the wedding dresses she remembered from childhood family events, city dresses she’d seen in magazines, long ago. Emily remarked it was going to be unusual, but she found she didn’t care. The more it came together, the more it felt like hers. She didn’t need ruffles, bows and additions, didn’t need the fluff and extras. It wasn’t chic like she might buy somewhere expensive in the city, but it had that feel to it, something in the clean lines and shape. It felt in between, like her.

She also explained, to Emily and Abigail both, the tradition she’d grown up with of something old, new, borrowed and blue. They found it just as odd as many things about her life before this place, but had a lot of fun finding ways to incorporate all of them into her outfit.

For old, they found a necklace no one could remember wearing, that had belonged to Abigail’s grandmother. Too plain for anyone in recent years, it felt ideal for a Kia unused to wearing jewellery anymore. For new, the dress, easy enough. Borrowed involved a lot of badgering of Haley, but eventually the loan – not even for the whole day, just for the marrying part – of a beautiful pair of white shoes she’d had hidden in her closet. Blue was the hardest. Nothing they found to suggest was quite right, or quite fit with her taste. She had to insist quite hard that she didn’t want brightly coloured socks on for a wedding, no, not even one in the late fall. In the end, though, a simple solution. A small off-cut of her dungarees – much in need of care and attention anyway – made into a little brooch to wear.

“So you’re still you, even in a dress.” Emily had remarked.

She had to admit, she liked that. They’d become synonymous with who she was now.

So she only had a moment to herself to think about anything other than planning the last day before, and even then only in the afternoon.

It was raining, she noticed, light but steady. Probably the last day of it before the winter snows.

A last chance to find the ghost… get a mermaid pendant, if she wanted that.

She found that she did, now she thought of it. Found that she very much wanted to hear different words. Something telling her she was ready for this.

So out she went, wrapped against the cold, late in the evening as the gloom was starting to fall. She reached the beach just after six, found him again as easy as before.

“Oh, back again.” He didn’t seem particularly thrilled to see her.

“I wanted… I wanted to know if you’d changed your mind. Decided if I’m ready now.”

But he didn’t have a chance to answer. She heard a crunching behind her in the sand. Someone else approaching. Clearly with the same plan in mind as her, to catch this strange old man before winter held him away.

Shane.

Oh. How much had he heard?

“You’ve been here before?” He wasn’t upset, that she could see. Just worried.

“Yeah. Before… before you asked me. A couple of days.”

“And he told you you weren’t ready?”

“Mmhm.”

“Then why did you say yes?” Was he doubting her, wondering if she’d run soon? He’d barely mentioned it in the last weeks, he’d been so much less unsure of them and of himself. But was it still there, undercutting it all, convinced she’d leave him at the first sign of trouble?

How to answer? She didn’t really know herself. She hadn’t thought it through, in so many words. Just action, no thought at all.

No, that wasn’t true, was it.

“Because… I trust you. You were ready to ask. To risk… given what happened with the bouquet. You were willing to risk me being… like that again… and you did it anyway. And you went… to all that trouble…”

“Kia… you don’t owe me this. I can wait, if you want to wait.” Sad, but not angry, no despair. A changed Shane, for sure. He would, if she asked, she knew.

“No. I don’t mean it like that.” She took his hand. “You… keep putting your faith in me. It’s been my turn to do the same. Every time I have, you’ve been worth it. So I’m putting my faith in you again. I trust your judgment. I trust… you. I trust… this. And myself. He may not think I’m ready, but fuck what he thinks. I’ve decided I am.”

Arms around her, heavy and wet, but comforting. A kiss on her forehead. He hadn’t anything to say to that, just a look of nothing short of love, as he held her close.

“He-HEM.” A cough, from the Old Mariner. A disapproving look. He was holding out a blue shell necklace. “Ye’ll be wanting this, then.”

“Me or him?” Kia couldn’t tell who he was offering it to.

“Either of ye. For a price, of course. But whichever of ye wants it.”

“I thought I wasn’t ready. That’s what you said before.”

“Who am I to argue with a girl so determined, eh?” He was grinning, under the beard, maybe. Hard to tell, in the dark and the rain. “An old man can be wrong.”

She paid her money before he had a chance to change his mind, taking the necklace from him carefully. He disappeared the moment it sat in her hands, heavy and cold.

“What the FUCK is up with this town?” Asked of no one in particular, just the cold, salty air.

She turned back to Shane, still holding the necklace. “I believe I’m supposed to give this to you?”

No reply. He just kissed her, hard and fierce, taking the pendant from her hands. She didn’t feel the cold, or the rain. Not for a little while. Didn’t feel the steady drip down the back of her neck, or the growing damp of her boots. Just him, in front of her. With her.

***

Her wedding day. She couldn’t quite believe it. Less than two years here, and so much had changed. A prosperous farm around her – she’d got up extra early to feed the animals before the day could commence – friends to help her. Friends to even make her a beautiful dress, hanging on the back of the bedroom door. A community, even. And… well. She was going to get to the other thing shortly.  
No makeup this time. Nothing but herself. Her hair just loose down her back, so long now she could nearly sit on it, the colour of conkers and hazelnuts. The items she’d been given or loaned, the ring she still wasn’t used to wearing. The brooch that was who she was now, every day.

She felt like a changed person. A culmination of every decision she’d made in the past two years, every good choice, and the bad ones. A better person too. One she’d not have recognised, when she’d left the city. Sun-freckled, strong, lean and muscly, not a curvy, girlish thing anymore. She looked older, true, but happier. Surer. She liked the face she saw in the mirror as she headed into town.

Nearly everyone was there already waiting, but Lewis had her hover by the hedges for the last latecomers. She laughed to see them, Haley and Alex, trying to hide that they’d been sat alone, talking, and missed the time. Maybe more weddings, in the year to come then. She found she didn’t quite judge anymore. She was sure there were regrets, sometimes. Youthful mistakes in whom to love, whom to trust. But what did it matter? Life went on. Changes could be made. Decisions she’d made at 23 no longer haunted her, even the terrible ones, so maybe the same could be true here. Just… different decisions. Always change, but always hope too. Always something new to replace the old, sometimes something better.

It was these thoughts she took to meet Shane, holding the bouquet she’d carefully kept for the better part of a year, enjoying seeing his face as he realised what it was. She’d been so focussed on watching him for change, for growing away from the person he’d been, for hope for the future, she’d not seen it in herself. And this… this was all part of it. Bound up together. They’d moved together, away from what they’d been. And she hoped… they’d keep moving together, on to better things.

Vows were said, but she barely heard them, only eyes for him. Only waiting until she could kiss him again, but now in the light of day, in front of witnesses. Freedom, to love honestly. She didn’t try to throw the bouquet to anyone in particular, just tossed it wildly, intent on him… on her husband? She was sure he’d tried, but his hair was still the mess it ever was, and she was glad of it. Glad to see him the person she knew every other day of the year. Starting as they meant to go on.

Maru caught it, as it happened. Harvey watching her intently as she did so.

There was food, and some dancing, though not as much as there could have been. But it was late in the year, fall coming to a heavy close, and the dark and chill drew in sooner than they had in the summer. Things ended, people wanting their homes and beds. And so escorted the new couple to her home – their home – as soon as dusk began to fall. A brief cheer, and they departed, leaving them alone.

Exactly as they’d wanted.

A slow undressing. Wonderment at having all the time to take. No secrecy now. No need to hide. A trail of dress, of shirt and tie, of socks and shoes, leading to the bed. She couldn’t stop kissing him, touching him, wanted to press herself up to him and not let go. Eventually, they couldn’t hold back from each other any longer, and he eased himself inside her, still trying to go slowly, let the moment last as long as it could, but not quite able to do it. Building and building until she called his name aloud, no longer biting it back. Hearing it… said like that… was all he needed to hear. He shuddered, climaxed, and clung to her beneath the sheets. 

No words, in the darkness. Not for a while. What did they need to say anymore? Only, as sleep beckoned, tangled in each other’s arms, a murmur.

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”


End file.
